Michigan Trip

I have had a few weeks to absorb and reflect on my visit to Michigan. It was not something that I wanted to do necessarily, however it was something that I needed to do. I went back home to Cadillac for the first time since leaving for California without Amy and the boys. I know what you're thinking,,,get over it already! Sorry,,,,I'm trying, when I make a commitment for life I mean it.... Damn those words "for better or for worse, in sickness in and in health". I takes 2 I suppose. I get that ; )

Michigan is now merely a place where I was born. I no longer feel at home there. I am but just a visitor. It’s almost as if the very land that I was raised on has turned her back on me. Let me elaborate on that. My connection with Michigan had always been a deep spiritual connection. A connection that I could always rely on when all else had failed me. Returning this time in June of 2010 was almost a rite of passage. I dealt with the emotions of being another statistic of a failed marriage. I listened to the demons that heckled me with feelings of not being good enough, to all out anger and rage against the one thing that I always held dear to my heart,,,,the sanctity of marriage. The last institution where love, trust and honor can openly and lovingly bare it’s inner most secrets and fears.
Michigan seemed to turn her back on me in a way that only a mother can when trying to let go of a child that needs to face the real world. That same emotion hit me with the realization that marriage is only as good as the partner that you have chosen. I’m not slamming my ex-wife at all. This is just the reality of life anymore. We are a throw away society, if it’s broke, then don’t bother fixing it, you can replace it with someone else and let that run it's course and repeat. Despite the reasons why you got involved in the first place it’s just easier to put it down and move on. Old fashion morals and beliefs are a thing of the past. That's not fair,,,so I'll just say that this is "my take". Words are not just words to me, it goes much deeper than that....
The one thing that is constant is the spirit. Do with it as you will and harm none. Michigan turning her back on me made me realize that Tennessee is now my home.

From the moment that I landed on the tar mat in Grand Rapids something just felt different. More than the sadness I carry in my heart, there was something more tangible in the air. There was a distant welcome that I felt. More primal I suppose than what we as mere humans are familiar with. A mothers love is or should be unchanging. However in a primal sense I think more of how a mother bear or lion may acknowledge it’s own after years of separation. She recognizes the scent, and at some level realizes that this is her cub. Yet, that is all,,,merely acknowledging and allowing it to pass without resistance,,, if that makes any sense?

I was greeted warmly by an old friend at the airport who picked me up and was going to take me to Cadillac. Matt is a wonderful soul and a true friend. We haven’t seen each other in years yet it was like yesterday and we picked up where we left off. We all know people like that,,,these people are the friends by which all other friends are weighed against. Right wrong or indifferent it’s what we do,,,or at least that’s what I do. I don’t personally have a lot of friends, the ones I do have I hold very close and they fit nicely into my world. It’s all about quality,,not quantity. Not to mention the money I save on bullshit cards for birthdays and holiday shit. I've never had room in my life for pretentious ass holes that only want to be your friend for reason only known to them. Sooooooo,,,there you go! I've called out the 3,000# gorilla in the middle of the room!

I saw my parents for the first time in about 4 years? Like I had eluded to earlier, it was hard walking into that house alone. It was like I had made a full circle, the reasons I left Michigan and turned my back on her were all now facing me again, unchanged. Again I say failure, yet I realize that it’s just the way things go. (So please spare me the emails on diagnosis and help for my wounded heart and soul...lol. I’m merely saying it as it happened and how it felt at the “time”.) My Mother saw me roll up into the yard with Matt. She met me on the side walk as I turned around after finding that the front door of the house was locked. She hugged me,,, I was home.
My father soon wandered into the house and found me standing in the hall way. I thought he was going to cry for a second. Step 1 in my recovery had now taken place. The empty void I felt was now replaced with the smiles of 2 people that love me unconditionally. My failures to them mean nothing, I’m their son and that was all that mattered. Now the exorcism of my soul can begin.
My room where I was to sleep still had the pictures from my wedding. That room was like a time capsule, it seemed untouched from the last time I was stayed in there so many years ago with Amy. The images don’t hurt like they used to. It’s odd,,,, in some way the not hurting as much anymore has it’s own sort of pain. It seems to almost split the heart from soul. One longs for the embrace while the other feels sadness for not feeling sadness? If that makes any sense to anyone reading this,,please share your thoughts....

The days moved on, as visited some old friends. Only a few mind you. There was just so many things that I could have done but I just didn’t feel like I needed to or even wanted to. Most vacations end up with racing around trying to make sure that everyone is taken care of and all the right time was spent with the right people,,,blah, blah, blah....
This trip was about me, regardless of how selfish that may sound, if you love me you'll undestand.

I surprised my dear friend Chris by showing up at her house with my mother on Sunday morning. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Chris is one of my dearest friends. She sees me for who I am and loves me just the same. I often avoid people like that during my dark times, because she can see into my soul and will tell me the things that I need to hear,,,yet don’t want to hear or face. Chris and I have an interesting relationship, one that I still can’t put into words.
She had never met my Mother before and for some reason I felt that it was important to do so. It’s people like Chris that I blame my eccentrics on. She along with others have this spirit about them that I look for in people that I’m close to. If you don’t have that spirit, I generally keep you at arms length. Those who get it, well,,,,get it. Those who don’t,,,won’t.

I reconnected with my sister Brenda and spent some time with her kids Brianna and Travis. We had a great time and those 2 kids are in deed something special, I would give my life for them both! My sister has been a constant in my life. She's always open and clear with her intent. She speaks from the heart,,,though long winded it's from the heart and I love her so dearly for that quality.

Although all these great things were happening around me with family and an apparent healing was taking place there was still something dark looming in the back ground. This darkness was again the mother Michigan. God that must sound like I’ve gone off the deep end. I swear to you haven’t (I think). A song comes to mind that I remember from soooo many years ago. The song is " Stranger in a strange land", by Iron Maiden.

Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hopes and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem

No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world

Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day when dawn and friends from home discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me

Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place and leave no trace

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

One hundred years have gone and men again they came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell on that day
Preserved in time for all to see

No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place and leave no trace

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

What’s funny is that this Iron Maiden song is a song that I remembered from years ago back in high school. It had a haunting feeling then. I remembered thinking to my self that this sums up my emotions and knowing that I need to leave Michigan. I didn’t realize then, all those years ago that it would unfold to this? It’s amazing to remember moments from your deep past and to see them play out so many years later. Music can be magical if you just pay attention to it’s influence.

The “Michigan turning her back on her son” thought came to me on my way to Pauls place of rest, the place where Paul Sr., Nadea, Pauls Mom and myself went to spread his ashes.
I used to spend so much time out there when I was still living in Michigan. Poured out many Guinness extra stouts out there and consumed even more with my fallen brother.
Let’s rewind a bit shall we.

I was out just driving around Cadillac. Every god damn corner, building and house seemed to hold a memory for me. These memories just continued to remind me of my losses and how entangled my heart was in this god forsaken town. It was then that things started to come clear to me. I’m 41 and this isn’t my home. I don’t want to be here and the demons of my past need to throw their god damn party and move on! I thought I would go to that one place, though it will make me sad and cry.
It is none the less a place where I can let my damaged guard down and just be myself and let it all out. This place is where Paul’s ashes were spread. All the way there I kept on getting this flood of emotions, sadness, anxiety, joy and then dread. As I approached, it hit me. I was not welcomed here. It made no sense at first. I drove up to the farm house and as the dogs barked, I realized.....Paul’s not he re anymore. Now what? The connection I felt with this land was gone? The land that held Paul's ashes is now barren? I guess that makes sense? Full circle has come, Ashes to ashes.....
I don’t know if Paul was my last connection here or what? I left him years ago to be with Amy and the boys. It was like his influence on me to “just do what my heart told me” to do had now played out. He can move on, now so can I.

In loving memory of Paul Gene Fuzi II

Merry Part, Till We Marry Meet Again...

~A