The birthday ride

This year I decided to celebrate my birthday with a 41 mile ride on my mountain bike. I mile for every frikin year that I am old..... WTH was I thinking? Anyone who has ever been into racing bikes knows,,, once it's in your blood there is no saving you.
Biking for me has been an escape, it's just me and my bike, "I" decide where I am going, how far and for how long. Only "I" can determine the limits of this ride.

Sunday morning I woke up early and was just feeling like,,,well,,, I could just go back to sleep. After all it was my birthday, I'm now alone, so I can do what I want, when I want. I had every reason not to ride. I drank a few too many beers the night before, my neck was hurting, my knee was having sharp pains if I put weight on it. I woke up feeling kind of sad. Birthdays for me are generally non events. It falls at the end of the month and on a holiday. So generally I just get a few token "happy birthdays" and that's about it. Don't get me wrong I'm not an it's all about "me" person. I go out of my way for others on their birthdays because to me a birthday is much more special and individual than lets say....X-mas. So on top of that I was missing my wife ( now ex ) and kids. So going back to sleep was looking better and better.

Then it hit me. WTF are you thinking, you said to yourself that you were going to do this,,,so get the fuck up and do it. Then all the guilt hit me. I thought about the people that can't do what I do. The cancer fighters, fallen loved ones,,,,,etc..... Then I thought about Lance Armstrong and what he endured. Then I thought about my Aunt Pauline and how she lost her fight with cancer. I thought about the people that I loved and whether they knew about my ride or not, how could I say one thing and do the other? I was tired of letting people down and paying the price with that lonely empty feeling. Needless to say,,I got up and made breakfast.

I was on the road by 7:20 a.m. I was making this adventure on my Cannondale F3 Caffeine mountain bike. I headed out onto Liberty Pike just outside of my apartment. I was en route to downtown Franklin,Tn. by which I would then pick up on hwy 96 and head out towards the Natchez trace. The first few miles for me is always a mind game. I had my computer set up so that I could monitor my mileage. 41 miles on pavement on a mountain bike has it's challenges, add to that watching the miles click along. I was impressed after the first few minutes of riding of how strong I suddenly felt. Maybe it was the purpose or intent of my ride that fired me up, don't know?
I managed to set a high pace up Liberty of 26 mph until the incline at which I dropped a few gears and spun up it at around 18 to 20 mph. I continued onto Franklin. In what seemed like no time at all I was on Hwy 96. Now was time to focus I stopped counting down the miles now, I gave into the fact that I had a ways to go and that I would do the math later when I made it to the Natchez trace bridge. My intention was to go 20.5 miles out and come back,,,that would give me the 41 miles I was after.

I was close to 8:00 a.m. now and I had settled into a comfortable pace in my big ring. It is now that the mind, body and bike start to operate as one. I was actually having a bit of a outer body experience at this time. Outer body as in I was analyzing my every motion, completely removed from self. It was almost like a helmet cam was being used. I felt nothing I was only seeing the motion being set forth by this guy on a bike. Weird shit I know. This is how I've always managed myself when I was in training for big races. In the big races if I could separate myself from the riders and race just me,,, I would be fine. All this pain, all this shit we cyclist put ourselves through is pushed by "self" and no one else.
So there I was looking over me and seeing how strong I was, seeing the road pass under my front wheel, hearing the power in each pedal stroke, scanning the horizon for targets or obstacles, then looking at that little fucking arrow on the computer that is telling me whether or not I'm on pace. The arrow should always show you on pace or above,,, below pace and my mind starts doing the math of what I have to do to make up for the lost pace and time.
As I ride I seldom take in a lot of the scenery, it proves to be a distraction. However I did take notice of some beautiful farmland and meadows. I then started to notice the scars left behind from the floods that we had in the beginning of May. As I rode past trees that grew near the road in the ditch about 1/2 mile away from the Harpeth river, I noticed that there was evidence of mud on the leafs that would be about 7 foot up from the ground. Holy shit I thought as I road along side these mighty survivors of the rain. 3 plus weeks ago I would not have been able to ride here because the water would have been over my shoulders deep! We ain't in Kansas no more, this place got hit by a lot of water in a few days time.

Alone, I pedal as the long climb ahead starts to show it's self through the hills of Tennessee. Much like a monster that you know is there, lurking, ready to pounce at you,,,, will I be ready?
I made a mental decision to reserve my energy while taking of the last bit of momentum I had with the slight decline heading into the hills. I grabbed a higher gear and picked up my pace to about 23 Mph, almost as if growling back at the hills. It may seem odd that reserve is going faster, but what happens is that by grabbing a bigger gear on a down hill and just pedaling with it you gain speed and increase blood flow to your legs with out having to push em hard. I think of it as a kind of purging thing. I do this to get rid of any lactic acid build up, I take long slow breaths to optimize oxygen intake allowing more blood to absorb more oxygen.

Then I can feel the hill's embrace as my legs start to push with resistance, I drop a gear, then another I find a good gear and pace and prepare for the climb. The hardest thing about this climb is, I've only ever known it from the seat of my car. Never before on a bike. This is the head game that you play with the hill, you just ride blindly, you know nothing of attack points, or breaks in the incline,,,hell I couldn't even see the top of the hill because it snaked around the 2 peaks at the top, for all I could remember there was more hill after that!

Then it happened! As I scanned the road, then my computer then back to the horizon I saw a road biker. At that moment a primal cyclist emotion kicked in ( only a cyclist truly knows this feeling ). I went into "predator mode". I hate this about me, but it does serve a purpose and as long as your not a dick I think it's o.k. From years of racing your mind is conditioned to win. All I know is, "there is someone ahead of me", I can't win if they stay ahead of me. However, I'm on a mountain bike. I'm riding in the world of "the roadies". As most know there has always been sort of a animosity between mountain and road, each thinks their sport is harder. Sooooo with that being said predator mode is not always welcomed by all. Let me explain.

As soon as I saw another rider ahead of me my pace instantly quickens. This bike was about 1/2 a mile of head of me and about half way up the first big climb. It wasn't going to be easy but I was going to give it a try. Still in the big ring and somewhere in the middle of my rear cogs I picked up the pace, I started a spin regimen and focused on my pace. As I got closer I could see the riders cadence and I started matching my pace to hers. I know what your thinking,,,, taking down a girl in a blaze of glory? I have had my ass handed to me by many woman in both mountain biking and road riding. All bets are off on the pavement,,, this is my birthday ride...lol
Anyway this method is what allows me to understand what is going on ahead of me. When I stare and match pace with bike ahead of me I get into that persons mind. You can monitor them and actually see faults in their riding, you can tell if they are seasoned or a newby, are they getting tired all of this shows in their form. This one was holding her own, I quicken my pace and started to close up the gap. I'm moving at about 15 mph up this long hill, my pace is about twice that of hers. As I approach I really try to be cool about catching a road bike on a long hill while saddled up on a mountain bike. I smile and say hello. I think she grimaced at me,,,not sure. I pull away from her fast and finish the climb about 1/4 mile ahead her. It's all down hill now to the Natchez trail bridge. I grabbed all my gears and pick up the pace to about 34 mph. I then let back on my pace and just enjoyed some free wheel cruising while sitting up on my seat and riding no handed. The fallen road biker has caught back up and is just behind me, I brake and let her pass. I then fell in behind her because we were both heading to the same place. She turned off the 96 and onto the ramp going up even more to the Natchez Trace bridge. Her friends were there waiting for her, I knew in my mind that I couldn't let off yet, they may start the chase on me and I refused to be passed on this final climb by anyone! My paranoia got me up the this last steep ass hill with no challenges. My rest area is about 1 mile up and across the bridge! (The picture above was taken upon my arrival)

I hung there for about a half an hour. In that time I met some really nice folks that were passing through on their bikes, we chatted had some laughs and we all went our separate ways. Alone again I thought. It's just me, my bike and my dirty thoughts. I got some riding to do. This leg of my birthday tour was about 14 miles. I'll be at 28 when I roll back into Franklin I'll have to find another 13 miles on the way back.

The ride back was good until the heat started to play into things. When I left on this adventure it was 71 degrees and 97% humidity. Shouldn't it be raining I thought? The sky was too tight I laughed to myself.
Now on the way back I realized that I must of had that slight wind to my face although I really didn't notice it much. A slight wind to your back is nice for speed but often you loose the cooling affect of the headwind as you match the speed of the wind.
Head winds on road bikes is just the way it is,,,it's been my experience that no matter what way you are riding, the wind is blowing in your direction.
Anyway,,,,, the ride back I found that there were a lot of what I call "dead spots"in the air. These are areas where there is no wind, just a pocket or bubble of heat or cold. Unfortunately for me these were bubbles of heat. Along with the humidity it was like being in a fucking oven! Sweat doesn't dry in these conditions, so the effect of sweat drying and cooling is no longer a factor, it was hell. after about a mile or 2 of this I got a head wind! Normally I curse at these breaths of air,,,but not this time it was welcomed, my head was pulsing with every pedal stroke. I was amazed at how strong I still was but the heat was taking it's toll on my brain. The mind game that is riding is about to change.

It was at about the 26 mile mark that my mind started to wander. Heading back the way I came, I found myself not so much thinking like a machine but like a human,,,a weak human with a lot of fucking baggage! None the less these negative thoughts will kill a riders drive faster than falling off their cleats! My mind wandered into missing my wife and kids, then dreading shit that was coming up, bills, Michigan trip, my turning 41 and starting over again with nothing but a fucking air mattress and some guitars. Then as that dread came over me I felt my heart hesitate. God dammit I thought, I cursed the very fibers that made up the muscles in my body. Bad Fucking Genes I thought aloud! My mind started playing head games with my body. I could feel my pulse in head stronger than ever. I even thought,, I could have a fucking stroke right now and probably die, that is if my heart doesn't blow up first. My heart was beating strong, then it would hesitate, that hesitation causes a filling up sensation in your chest, it almost makes me dizzy. It seems to happen when I get stressed. It's always been something that I watched back in my racing days. I felt anxious, kind of out of control of my situation. Then just like the predator mode kicked in when I saw a rider ahead of me, something else kicked in an almost a sense of "knowing", knowing that I would be all right if I just took control of the situation. I gathered my thoughts and focused again, my heart settled down, my legs back under me I push up the hill. I remember coming to a sort of "reckoning" of my situation. I thought well if today is my day,,,then it's a good day to die. I'm not being morbid or anything I just came to be, to be o.k. with my the results of my day regardless. I was out doing what I said I would do. How often have you said or heard others say "or I'll die trying". Well this day I fight and I was o.k. with dying if that was the way this story was to end. I always thought I would die surrounded by my wife and family or on my bike. Well,, wife is no longer and I have no family here,,,so the bike it is. ;)

I now had a new meaning and focus. I reeled in my thoughts and focused on how fresh my legs still were. I pushed hard, really hard. Blew back into Franklin made my rounds downtown and headed back out for the last 9 or 10 miles. I did some long hills on the 431 cut across the 65 and ran up the back side of Carothers st. then past my home on Liberty pk and back into the hill loops I just left. I was again on hwy 96 this time heading north(ish) long sweeping hills with pay out of downhill at the top. I was feeling a burn in my legs. This feeling I have not felt in years if ever. I was about to loose my legs, they felt like they were ready to burst when I stopped pedaling, they felt weak if I pushed em. It made no sense to me, my stomach felt fine, my heart and lungs were strong I didn't feel like I was going to "bonk". Yet my legs were going to be my undoing? As I rolled onto Coolsprings blvd it was a down hill, so I was able to push up to about 26 Mph. The hill gave way to a long, shitty, hot climb! Then it happened,,,my legs were done! I pushed, and there was nothing they gave up I was done! I rolled up onto the side walk and stopped at a shade tree and dismounted my bike. After all the shit I just went through, all the big climbs I'm now done here? You gotta be shittin me! I could hardly stand, sitting down was as painful standing I could not get comfortable. I only brought 1 pack of "GU" with me and I consumed that back about 5 miles ago. I had water and that was it. My hands were too weak to rub my hurting legs. All the blood was somewhere but not in my legs or so it seemed,,,my legs were whiter than normal at this moment. I lay thinking ready to give up. A voice in my mind said "quitter's mind", why do you have to be that guy? You think you know suffering? Yet here it is, right in your face and your throwing in the towel now? I thought back,,, I road 9.5 miles yesterday I could just add that to my goal and be there. Or I could go home rest and eat, then go out later for the last bit of this ride. It's only about 6 miles. My computer showed that I had riden 36 miles and some change. So tired my brain struggled with the math. "It's 5 miles you fuck! Get you ass on that bike and ride. If not for yourself, then do it for those who can't. How many sick people are out there who would give anything to be healthy enough to feel the pain you are feeling right now, instead of feeling the pain of their own illness. You have no reason to not ride, you've gone 36 miles, to quit now, would be bullshit. Finish something,,,finish this"!

I knew I had to finish this, or die trying. I asked myself was I still o.k. with that outcome. I was, this I was certain of. I gathered my thoughts and try to figure out how was I going to get this done. Ride smart I suppose. My goal was to finish this 41 miles. Now how am I going to accomplish this? Legs still hurting but not like they were I got back on my bike. This time it was personal. I got this far with strength and some coaching from within. However now at 36 miles my body/ legs were failing me. Now the mind game really begins. Push past the pain, pain is temporary, regret is forever. I did not come this far to turn back now. Instead of measuring success by miles and speed. It's now yards, each yard is one less yard to go, I was looking at cracks in the sidewalk as point goals, trees and the alike, all point goals. This fucking long hill will not stop me today. It has never stopped me before this moment and I will not give in today either. I found a missing formula to my riding,,, "spinning". All day I was in my big gear and just moving around within the 9 gears on the rear. I started this climb using my middle ring, speed wasn't the order of the day now, surviving was. I had not the legs to muscle my way up this hill in the big ring I needed to ride smart now. I had mentioned earlier that I would spin to get rid of lactic acid build up. Well duh! That's what I needed to be doing now, once I picked a lower gear ratio and was getting more spin and wasn't focused as much on how far each pedal stroke would carry my bike, the ride became better, smarter even. My legs through spinning and moderate exertion were coming back. Oh they hurt, but I was going make it, I knew it. I believed again, that was all I needed.

I finished out the ride feeling soar but rewarded beyond words. I have my demons I know this,,, however I left some of them behind in the heat and hills of Central Tennessee on Sunday.

Love and light...
Allen