Tumult

9/12/10

Where have I been? Good question. Depends on your view of what is “where”. I’ve been at my lowest, highest, saddest, happiest and just simply stupefied!

Lately I’ve been to depressed to write then when the anxiety of life wasn’t in the way I sure as hell didn’t want to sit down and relive the bullshit that haunts me everyday. Still too vague? Good! This would be far to short if I just got to the point. There needs to be lessons and shit like that to make this worth your reading. I’m not trying to save the world but I do hope that I can say and share something with people that make them realize that:

A) Their life isn’t that bad
B)I’m not alone in this world with my own decisions and mistakes
C)Most importantly “you’re alive”.

2010 has been a year of change too say the least. I compare it to 2001 in a lot of ways. That was the year that I lost my job in Northern Michigan. 700 to 800 dollars a week on average to 600 dollars every 2 weeks on unemployment. Running thin doesn’t even begin to explain that situation.

Good, bad or what ever I was still in good spirits. I basically lost everything except for what was left of my dignity. I gave everything I had in my house to my little brother hoping that it would give him a shot in the arm and get him out there with a head start. I gave away my car to a friend that lived in Traverse City that needed it more than I did. Granted when I left Michigan to go to California to start a new life I left some skeletons behind. Some skeletons that my parents and little brother dealt with,,,,good, bad or indifferent, I apologize to them all. There really isn’t much else I can do beyond that. It is what it is, I suppose.

Now I’m faced with dealing with those skeletons. Mostly by choice mind you. I’ve been looking deep into my soul for answers. My work is one of those places where we embrace the challenges of “doing the right thing”. Despite what other business's do, we are visionary's to say the least. It is the most selfless company I’ve ever worked for. It’s all about taking care of others and making choices based on what is the right thing to do for any given circumstance. I’ll tell you that’s a big responsibility to take on. You can’t hide in a culture like that. You can try but it will catch up to. That’s the beauty of it. It makes you look at things head on, the more you look, the more obvious the right answer is. It's not always the most popular answer but it's the right answer. Try and be self serving in an environment like that, it will eat you alive and spit you out in the gutter where you belong. The truth is the truth and all you can do is except it.

The thoughts of right action and right motives becomes a part of your everyday life. Use this and all of that other shit just melts away. You no longer have to worry about something catching up to you. You become transparent and you see the world for what it is and what it is lacking. I have found that the world is lacking the love and peace that I can offer to others. I’m no saint don’t get me wrong. The meaning of this to me is how can I help others? Right now is nothing more than me just facing my demons and making things right. Through that example I set forth on an adventure that others will see the meaning of my actions. It’s then up to them to act upon it in a fashion that is correct for them in their own situation. Inspire others through your actions. Pure actions through pure intent.

Do I want to face my creditors? Hell no! I put myself in a situation that I thought I had a way out of. Life happened to me in December of 2009 and it all changed in a blink of an eye. I didn’t know then what I know now. Ask me if I know pain and loss, ask me if I can help you understand the pain you're feeling. My answer is yes! The knowing I came to was a long walk with my “God”. This adventure lead me down some of the darkest alley’s I’ve seen in years. Yet I felt a presence that made me realize that it was going to be all right. Yeah taking care of debt is going to suck. However the light that I can now see at the end of this tunnel is going to make me so much stronger. I look forward to the day that I can give back to others, hopefully even spare them the pain that I went through emotionally and spiritually, not to mention financially.

I’m not a greedy person by no stretch of the imagination. Well not anymore anyway. It used to be "what's mine is mine and you can't use it so don't even ask". I’ve lost everything yet I have gained so much more. I’ve learned forgiveness on my terms and can see that there is more to my life than I can truly even realize at this moment. I’m not sure what is going to happen as my adventure unfurls. Am I scared? You’d better believe it but the prize at the end of this is going to be worth the pain and loss. I firmly believe in order to feel bliss, you have to know pain. I'm reading for the pain to end, and a new day to begin!

It’s about perspective and how you choose to move forward. Right thought, right actions, no matter what the initial cost can only end up with the “right ending”.
I see too many people out there that are simply put,,,”black souls”. I don’t know what got them there. I don’t know their story. I only see people that need compassion. My heart goes out to those people and it’s those people I want to help, be it with kind words that have been forged by my own experiences or just a knowing glance through eye contact. I truly feel I can make a difference in others lives. However first I must get my life in order. It would be like reading a book on survival and quoting it back verbatim without even trying it myself. There is nothing genuine there and people will see that and not feel moved by it at all. I have thousands of dollars of debt that I need to take care of before I can truly walk the walk. This is my purpose, this is something that I have to do, this my friends is the right thing for me to do.

Love and light...
Allen