Gratitude

Something that has been occupying my mind lately is “pure gratitude.’ So much has been triggered in my mind that has affected my heart and soul. I’ve explained to a couple of the guys that I work with that I may have felt a “God’ moment when I was hitting the absolute bottom of my life.
I was just laying there one night worried about finances, and just simply how in the hell I was ever going to be free again. Will I ever love another woman like I have in the not so distant past?
Will I work till the day I die and have no one holding my hand as I pass away?

At 41 years old so much has become magnified in my life. Purpose, function and impact are just a few words that come to mind on how I affect others and how they affect me.

It’s been a crazy roller coaster to say the least. I believe that being alone with no family here has a lot to do with it. Blood is blood, right, wrong or indifferent you can’t change it. There is a bond there, whether you like it or not.

Oh,,,here’s the disclaimer: I’m fine, I am not now, nor was I recently suicidal. Hitting rock bottom mentally, emotionally and spiritually is part of my personal voyage to enlightenment.... Or so I tell myself. ; )
It’s there for everyone I suspect, it’s just whether they are looking.

I’m generally not looking when shit happens to me. It just happens while I’m wrapped up in the moment, it’s hard to realize that I’m actual in a moment, let alone a moment of discovery. Sometimes you realize it after you’ve been in it and are now standing back looking in on it. Anyone that has ever been there knows what I’m talking about. If you haven’t,,, then you live in a cave as a soulless troglodyte. I’m sure that was uncalled for,,,however it’s my blog so I say what I want here "at my place on the food chain “ I’m King Poobah so deal with it.

So there I was just laying in my sleeping bag staring at the ceiling trying to go to sleep and this mess of crap was just rolling around in my head. I was worried about my wife and kids, then realized that, they aren’t my wife and kids any more. The kids aren’t even mine, I have no legal rights to them. (I feel I have moral rights because I love them)
It feels like I’ve been erased from there lives. I was just a thing for 7 years. I don’t mean that to sound harsh trust me. What I have come to realize is that they are teens and what is important to them today isn’t me. They have huge hearts, hearts big enough that I hope I have a place in there somewhere. Being that they are teens, the important things are the fun things. So it’s easy for an adult to look and feel like they have been removed completely. So I do hope that’s the case. With Amy? Not sure, that’s a tough nut,,,it just depends on how deep you want venture. I realize that I can call them and her. I feel like I’m the only one reaching out, mostly from an attachment aspect. They seem to have just disconnected from me as an emotion. I’m glad I left Michigan, but I sometimes wish I would have never married her. I miss my friend Amy and this marriage thing we had has created for me trust issues and a lot of unanswered questions. We get along great, there is just a line I don’t cross. That line is my line not hers. I’ve beaten this dead horse long enough....

With that being said? Sorry that turned into a bunny trail.... Welcome to my head!

Take that along with worry of how my life was going to look 5 years from now, then add the guilt of past debt with a fear of losing what little I have and having my bank account seized. The fear of losing my apartment and being homeless again was almost too much handle. The gut dropping feeling is best described as that “holy shit’ feeling that you get when you wake up at 4:00 a.m. In the morning and your kid isn’t home. That describes my gut on any given day or night for months!

However this time, as I mentioned earlier as I lay staring at the ceiling, this time was different. I cannot even begin to describe how old this was getting for me, I was living in the movie “Ground hog day’ I swear. Work, worry, work, go home, eat, worry, drink, fall asleep, repeat......

BAM! There it was. I got this feeling of relief that just surrounded me. I felt for the first time in months an ease that just flowed over me like a warm blanket on a cold winter night. As I type this it reminds of when I was sick as a child. After a day or two of being sick with a fever,,,then the fever breaks and almost like on cue my mother would come in to check on me then tuck me in. It’s just a safe feeling, a feeling that no matter what happens can’t be taken away. You know at that moment that it is truly o.k.

That was when a voice in my head said, “you need to do the right thing, regardless of its cost.’ Just think About that for a moment. Do the right thing, regardless of it’s cost. Be it personal cost or financial.
That statement could easily make someone twitch and maybe even find reasons not to act upon it. Ya know?
Applying that to all aspects of my life has changed many things. It’s not just doing the right thing, it’s doing the right thing when no one is there to see you do it. That’s a personal adventure of truth and inner self worth. Do the right thing not because you don’t want to suffer the consequences of what if you got caught, it’s doing the right thing because it’s the right thing. There is no reason for achievement or fulfillment in doing the right thing. If you only do the right thing for reasons of achievement or fulfillment then you are doing it for a reason that serves you and makes you feel good. Thus it’s not truly the right reason to do the right thing. Does that make any sense?

Any way,,,, that’s what came to me, was it God? Shit man I don’t know. I’m comfortable with God, I don’t know if my god is the same God that everyone says that they give tithings to. I’m not sure if that’s what God is really all about.
Have I become a Christian? I don’t think I have, I’ve become aware of a force though. I have for years, been running from God. What I mean by running from God is more like running from the institution and the bible thumpers that run the word of God through the human agenda. That doesn’t work for me. I went to church recently with a friend and had really hoped to see something eye opening. I left disappointed, it was simply a lot of people going through the motions. I’m not being judgmental, I’m just calling a spade a spade in this case. I’m sure some of them get it. What ever “it” is?
Sorry if this sound pompous but I can read a lot about a person by looking in their eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul. That old knowing look that I remember seeing in the eyes of my Grandmother Merritt was missing from their eyes.
My Grandparents generation understood something that some of this generation has lost or maybe replaced with a digital gadgets. I’m not blaming technology necessarily. It’s the disconnect the world has with everything. I look around and see me, me as being different from them. I’m here with a cause that is much deeper than most here can understand. I have a purpose to understand this inner voice and calling.
So God and I are working out some sort of arrangement right now. As soon as we can come to an agreement with the terms I’ll be sure to let everyone know.

From God moment to Gratitude.

My brain has been on overload here for the last several weeks. I’ve done little to be noticed by the outside world other than my normal work days. However the dust and shit is flying everywhere in my head as I get control of my life again. It’s weird to say the least.
The way I look at things is as if a filter has been lifted from my eyes. I feel like I’m doing things deliberately and on purpose. I can see the front end and the back end of my decisions. Will I still fuck things up,,,you bet! I’m human after all.

I’ve been so grateful here lately for just things, things that have little to no meaning to most people I’m sure. I think gratitude is much more real at those levels. A simple intentional greeting is a small thing that we can all do and it cost nothing but can completely change a persons out look on the day. It shows that I cared enough to acknowledge somebodies presence. Do they all smile and wave back or wish me the same....hell no! It’s the 1 or 2 that do that make it all worth while. It’s fun in a twisted sort of way. People are ripe for the pickin’ these days. Most are removed from the world and walk around in a bubble. I’m that prick that pops the bubble. However this time being a prick is not a bad thing.
Most people really want to engage in some sort of conversation. A conversation that is listened with both ears and sometimes both eyes, although rare is does exist.

Beyond that I’m grateful for so many things and so many people in my life.
Most of them if not all of them really do know that I’m grateful for the roles that they have played in my life over the years. Everyone that is reading this should know that they are deeply appreciated and loved by me,,,right? Say yes!
Anyone reading this please feel free to send this or any of my blog shit to someone that you think would get something from it or even better yet to any of my friends that aren’t subscribers.

The person that has been on my mind a lot is my sister Brenda. I brought her up in my board meeting last Monday. She was my example for character. As I did my piece in front of the staff it was almost like I was outside of myself listening in on what was being said. I was hearing myself speak as if I was not even part of my own body. Crazy! Anyway...
I was talking about what a strong woman she is and how much adversity she has been through. Yet somehow she is able to do the right thing and puts her children before her self and does what she has to do to provide for her kids. Despite the toll it has and will take on her, she meets and exceeds the expectations of what anyone would ever expect from a parent. Sure she makes mistakes. There is not one of us who doesn’t. If think we are exempt from that, then you are only kidding yourself.

It was then as I spoke about Brenda that I realized how much she means to me and how much of inspiration she has been to me over the years. I can honestly say I’ve taken for granted that she has been in my life. There had been years that had gone by that she and I didn’t talk ( or so it seemed ). Yet when we did talk there was never any guilt trips shit or nothing. It was as if we spoke a week ago. Does that sound familiar to any of you? It should. That’s the sort of person that we all have in our lives that we call a true friend! Brenda has been my sister since I was born. However,,,at this very moment I now realize that she is not only my sister,,,but a true friend. WOW!
Talk about being blessed.

She and I were your typical brother and sister. I got under her skin every chance I could but as a brother that was my duty. I think that is how a young boy shows he cares. I missed her when she wasn’t around and bugged the piss out of her when she was.

Brenda always cared for me, like a surrogate Mom sometimes. My Mom is great and has always been there for me. There is a bond that siblings have if they are lucky that transcends everything else. That bond is something that I have with my sister. We had fights as children, but as adults we have never had an issue that caused us to raise our voices at one another. I haven’t always agreed with her decisions, especially with men. That’s my right as a man, friend and a brother!
She deserves a great man that will unconditionally love her and her children. Breaks don’t come easy if they come at all. If anyone in my world deserves a break it’s Brenda. Maybe part of it is she has to have her eyes open to see it when it presents itself. I wish I could bring that answer to her. I wish I could bring Brenda, Travis and Brianna here to Tennessee to start over. The offer is open though regardless.
I personally couldn’t find my truth until I left the nest of Michigan. I’ve had my world shaken up many times. Each time I was able to find something that helped me elevate myself to a new level. In retrospect it has not been to bad. Sure some messed up shit has happened but I have met some great people from those ashes. I saved a life, fell in love, got my heart broken again, faced what I thought was going to be my endgame with a cancer scare.
Looking back it was a piece of cake. When I was in the middle of it? Not so much. Yet something gave me the strength to move forward. Was it God or was it just me not thinking I could actually die or fail at something? Well,,, I know I can fail now, even if I think it was written in the stars and a sure thing. What is more important, I’m alive, and I have some great people in my life.

Knowing this, really makes me see things much clearer. Stuff is stuff and you can’t take it with you. The love and friendship that Brenda has given me over the years is worth more than any “thing” I’ll ever be able to buy. You can’t buy a sister like mine.
My God ( notice I said MY GOD ) has opened my eyes and has given me some understanding to that deep knowing that I have always carried with me.

I’m not out of the woods yet. I do have a plan though. This plan excites me like no plan has ever excited me before. I’m looking forward to the day that I can just do the right thing with every aspect of my life and make more of an impact on the people that I meet and choose to help. I do feel like I have a calling. I don’t know what it is as of yet, but I am aware of something. Will it change the world? Probably not the entire world, but I can’t say that for sure. Will it change the world for a single person? You bet, that is all you can do. If you can make someones day better, you have changed the world for that person. Sure shit still goes on that I don’t agree with but at least I’m doing something,,,,one person at a time. That’s all any of us can do.

My gratitude has been extended to my sister in this post, but do know that I’m grateful for everyone that reads this and understands what I’m saying. I’m grateful for the blessed mess that has been my life. I don’t think I would have wanted to skate through life without obstacles. The demons I face have made me stronger, the demons I’m yet to face are why I sharpen my sword. Friends like Brenda, George, Ketha, Christine and Deirdre have made my life worth living. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you all. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my family and extended family.

Blessings of light...

Allen