Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Random thoughts as I read a million miles in a thousand years. Interesting definition of a story. “A character, someone who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it”.
If you see a movie that is meaningless, it does not make all movies meaningless. Thus somebody who finds “life” to be meaningless are really saying that their life is meaningless. I would tend to agree with that one. It makes perfect sense. They are merely projecting their view of life onto the rest of the world. Why not,,, misery loves company!
I have to say I don’t personally feel that way. I do want people to understand where I am coming from and kind of like to have them feel for me a little. Sympathy for a moment feels good,,,,at least to me it does. I’m not real good at returning that favor though. Sympathy just helps me realize that emotions are founded in some sort of reality.
At some point during the day my neck and shoulder got a twinge of some sort. It comes shortly after I was thinking to myself how my neck and shoulder may be getting better. I’ve lost over 30 pounds and have started working out. I’m stronger than I have been in years, yet that doesn’t seem to be enough at this time. I sit here tonight enjoying a beer and trying to read while a head ache brews from my injuries of long ago. So this is what getting old is all about? Falling apart and comparing good days to better days and wondering what happened the best of times? I often wonder what could have been had I kept with my cycling career? I do miss it! There was something about biking and being “on” that just can’t be explained. Man machine,,,perfection. The feel of the tires rolling fast and sure down the single track, the taste of dust and sweat, the second wind you get after thinking you have pushed yourself to the limits.
The simple sense of accomplishment of when it was just you versus nature. Much like fishing, any day on the bike is a good day. Even when I busted my shoulder up and wasted my neck. The moments leading up to the accident were great, the ride in the ambulance and the paramedic lady with the loose fitting top....priceless. It hurt like hell my friends! Yet there was something about it. It was almost a right of passage in a way. I’ve finally did it. This one is cost me some money, points and the championship. Not to mention 9 weeks off of work and rehabilitation! Yet I did it on my terms doing something that I loved. That was what the heroes did when I was growing up watching football and Evel Knievel risk his life and occasionally bust his ass. What a brave man. I wanted to be that brave when I grew up. Not sure what happened though? It was probably adult shit, like having responsibility and having to well,,,pay for shit.
Ya know what? I still love bikes, just like I used to when I was a kid. I would ride till I couldn’t ride anymore. It would get dark and with a new bike in the garage, I was sad to have to go in and leave it sitting out in the garage all night, alone and cold. Really? Yep, really.
Even now, at 41 years, my Cannondale hangs in my living room. I catch myself staring at it like a father would a new born child as it quietly sleeps. I often wish that I could get it a brother or a sister depending on how you sex a bike? I don’t like the idea of riding a dude, but then again riding a chick bike is subjective as well. I ain’t riding no lesbo bike so that is probably why I don’t name my bikes. There are 2 sexes for bikes though, as odd as that may sound based on my previous statement. There are Road bikes and Mountains bikes. The other bikes are in between are relational to the 2 for mentioned bikes getting together. Ie. Hybrids and BMX. Old fucker bikes are well just old bikes some are new but they look old,,those are posers.
The point of this rant? Not sure? Apparently I needed to get some shit of my chest. I want to write a book so I’m just shooting things out here hoping that something forms from all of this. I want to find another passion, one that won’t find me in the hospital after a long ride in an ambulance with a very friendly paramedic with a nice chest. Something with meaning and substance. Something that changes peoples lives and simply makes a difference.
An interesting point just came to me. We live our lives in stages. I sort of touched on this earlier, or not. At first we are learning and full of wonder. We then get to an age where we seek milestones of age that fulfill goals and mostly wants. We then hit that middle point. I think that is some where after 25. We may have started to establish ourselves based on the previous years of challenges then turned into habit now turned into our unrealized reality. But, nonetheless, we wander, influenced by the mix of ages that we encounter at work or play. Old and young the advice is every where. We struggle to obtain the future.
Then we hit that 3rd stage. Somewhere around late 30’s early 40’s. For me it was 40. It was a mile marker that I had no idea of how profound it would be. Nor did I know how the key characters in my life would change, how they would change me and send me on a mind bending spiral that would eventually lead me to God.
This 3rd stage is a stage that I find myself thinking about the past a lot and trying to make sense out of what I’ve lived through and how my decisions have lead me to this very moment in my life. Every decision I made as a child has lead me to my fortunes as a teenager as did it to my young man now wiser older man.
The change of any of those events may have lead me down a different road entirely. I may not be sitting here in Franklin Tn. Writing my memoirs and enjoying a new found friendship with God. Now here I am, 3rd stage trying to make sense of it. Now whether third stage is it for me I don’t know. I think there will probably be a 4th stage? Not sure how that will play out. It will be my death and true test of faith. So I hope I’m paying attention at this time.....
There is so much beauty around us everyday. Every where I look there are pictures to be taken. Life and death plays out every moment of everyday. Will it matter when my curtain comes? Have I made a difference in this world? Will my lost be felt? Did I play the role or the character that God had intended?
These are the questions that I personally struggle with a lot. I want my life to have had meaning to more than just those to whom I pay my bills to or for those that I show up to punch the clock everyday and make money for. Now will I have had an impact on the world around me? Living Gods plan is much larger than myself or my own perception of self. It’s like a part in a motor. There are many pieces but they are all there for a reason or they wouldn’t be there.
Sure you can still drive the car if the air conditioner doesn’t work or the c.d. Player has ceased to play anymore. However it’s not complete, something is missing. Like the air conditioner, its presence is surely felt. Everything has a place, everything has a role. Unlike the car and it’s deliberate design we don’t really know exactly where we fit in as a widget in the much larger view of life and world for that matter. Talk about a silence followed by a deafening roar!
Can we compare or even understand the impact of everything-ness? What affect did a lady bug have on the world or even just an individual? Compared to Einstein? Did that ladybug go through it’s life unnoticed by anyone other than its own kind? What affect did that have? Holy shit, think about this from my vantage point for a moment. I am but only one person among billions on this third rock from the sun. I was born in Michigan, moved to California, then went to Alabama, then to Franklin Tn. Moved from Franklin to Bellevue Tn. Then moved back to Franklin at the age of 40 only to find myself wandering alone again wandering in the woods. This time though,,,,through another series of events I have a camera. With this camera I found myself near a stump at an old Civil War site where I noticed a dead ladybug that I then photographed because I saw beauty. Beauty even in death. I may have been the only person on earth to have ever seen this one ladybug. Even in death it still held on to the side of the stump. This creature had purpose up till that final moment where it could no longer move any further. It was now time,,,, time for it to rest. I was there to witness it while it still held on even after several days had passed since it last felt the warmth of the mid day sun, while it was still full of life.
What was that? What did I really witness? Was it noting more than just an observance of life and death? Yet here I am,,,writing about it. A photograph holds this bugs place as I am sure it has since fallen due to decay and the elements. Yet in a series of 1’s and 0’s this ladybug is kept and was noticed and appreciated by me. It now stands as a memory, a memory that reaches beyond what ever a ladybug would normally do within its life time.
Would the ladybug have even noticed let alone cared? Only God knows that answer. One day I will have my chance to ask.
Just scenes from a memory, my life, my character. From my small apartment in Franklin with no pictures on the walls to my long sorted past of triumphs and failures. I run the gauntlet of making up for my short comings to trying to make a difference in the lives of those who matter the most. This is just stuff, stuff that will be here long after I’m gone. Someone else will get it. It will be someone else that will either realize that these old things once mattered to someone. They served a purpose in someones life, it help identify who they where and what they stood for. Will it matter, will it even be remembered?
I believe it could matter and I believe I will have made a difference in this life.
Like the ladybug that held on to a the bark of a tree stump long enough for me to find it and appreciate it, I hope will leave something behind for someone to find or notice. If one person, just one person can find the beauty in that then my life had purpose, my life had meaning. What more could I ask for.
Love and light,
~A
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Gratitude
Something that has been occupying my mind lately is “pure gratitude.’ So much has been triggered in my mind that has affected my heart and soul. I’ve explained to a couple of the guys that I work with that I may have felt a “God’ moment when I was hitting the absolute bottom of my life.
I was just laying there one night worried about finances, and just simply how in the hell I was ever going to be free again. Will I ever love another woman like I have in the not so distant past?
Will I work till the day I die and have no one holding my hand as I pass away?
At 41 years old so much has become magnified in my life. Purpose, function and impact are just a few words that come to mind on how I affect others and how they affect me.
It’s been a crazy roller coaster to say the least. I believe that being alone with no family here has a lot to do with it. Blood is blood, right, wrong or indifferent you can’t change it. There is a bond there, whether you like it or not.
Oh,,,here’s the disclaimer: I’m fine, I am not now, nor was I recently suicidal. Hitting rock bottom mentally, emotionally and spiritually is part of my personal voyage to enlightenment.... Or so I tell myself. ; )
It’s there for everyone I suspect, it’s just whether they are looking.
I’m generally not looking when shit happens to me. It just happens while I’m wrapped up in the moment, it’s hard to realize that I’m actual in a moment, let alone a moment of discovery. Sometimes you realize it after you’ve been in it and are now standing back looking in on it. Anyone that has ever been there knows what I’m talking about. If you haven’t,,, then you live in a cave as a soulless troglodyte. I’m sure that was uncalled for,,,however it’s my blog so I say what I want here "at my place on the food chain “ I’m King Poobah so deal with it.
So there I was just laying in my sleeping bag staring at the ceiling trying to go to sleep and this mess of crap was just rolling around in my head. I was worried about my wife and kids, then realized that, they aren’t my wife and kids any more. The kids aren’t even mine, I have no legal rights to them. (I feel I have moral rights because I love them)
It feels like I’ve been erased from there lives. I was just a thing for 7 years. I don’t mean that to sound harsh trust me. What I have come to realize is that they are teens and what is important to them today isn’t me. They have huge hearts, hearts big enough that I hope I have a place in there somewhere. Being that they are teens, the important things are the fun things. So it’s easy for an adult to look and feel like they have been removed completely. So I do hope that’s the case. With Amy? Not sure, that’s a tough nut,,,it just depends on how deep you want venture. I realize that I can call them and her. I feel like I’m the only one reaching out, mostly from an attachment aspect. They seem to have just disconnected from me as an emotion. I’m glad I left Michigan, but I sometimes wish I would have never married her. I miss my friend Amy and this marriage thing we had has created for me trust issues and a lot of unanswered questions. We get along great, there is just a line I don’t cross. That line is my line not hers. I’ve beaten this dead horse long enough....
With that being said? Sorry that turned into a bunny trail.... Welcome to my head!
Take that along with worry of how my life was going to look 5 years from now, then add the guilt of past debt with a fear of losing what little I have and having my bank account seized. The fear of losing my apartment and being homeless again was almost too much handle. The gut dropping feeling is best described as that “holy shit’ feeling that you get when you wake up at 4:00 a.m. In the morning and your kid isn’t home. That describes my gut on any given day or night for months!
However this time, as I mentioned earlier as I lay staring at the ceiling, this time was different. I cannot even begin to describe how old this was getting for me, I was living in the movie “Ground hog day’ I swear. Work, worry, work, go home, eat, worry, drink, fall asleep, repeat......
BAM! There it was. I got this feeling of relief that just surrounded me. I felt for the first time in months an ease that just flowed over me like a warm blanket on a cold winter night. As I type this it reminds of when I was sick as a child. After a day or two of being sick with a fever,,,then the fever breaks and almost like on cue my mother would come in to check on me then tuck me in. It’s just a safe feeling, a feeling that no matter what happens can’t be taken away. You know at that moment that it is truly o.k.
That was when a voice in my head said, “you need to do the right thing, regardless of its cost.’ Just think About that for a moment. Do the right thing, regardless of it’s cost. Be it personal cost or financial.
That statement could easily make someone twitch and maybe even find reasons not to act upon it. Ya know?
Applying that to all aspects of my life has changed many things. It’s not just doing the right thing, it’s doing the right thing when no one is there to see you do it. That’s a personal adventure of truth and inner self worth. Do the right thing not because you don’t want to suffer the consequences of what if you got caught, it’s doing the right thing because it’s the right thing. There is no reason for achievement or fulfillment in doing the right thing. If you only do the right thing for reasons of achievement or fulfillment then you are doing it for a reason that serves you and makes you feel good. Thus it’s not truly the right reason to do the right thing. Does that make any sense?
Any way,,,, that’s what came to me, was it God? Shit man I don’t know. I’m comfortable with God, I don’t know if my god is the same God that everyone says that they give tithings to. I’m not sure if that’s what God is really all about.
Have I become a Christian? I don’t think I have, I’ve become aware of a force though. I have for years, been running from God. What I mean by running from God is more like running from the institution and the bible thumpers that run the word of God through the human agenda. That doesn’t work for me. I went to church recently with a friend and had really hoped to see something eye opening. I left disappointed, it was simply a lot of people going through the motions. I’m not being judgmental, I’m just calling a spade a spade in this case. I’m sure some of them get it. What ever “it” is?
Sorry if this sound pompous but I can read a lot about a person by looking in their eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul. That old knowing look that I remember seeing in the eyes of my Grandmother Merritt was missing from their eyes.
My Grandparents generation understood something that some of this generation has lost or maybe replaced with a digital gadgets. I’m not blaming technology necessarily. It’s the disconnect the world has with everything. I look around and see me, me as being different from them. I’m here with a cause that is much deeper than most here can understand. I have a purpose to understand this inner voice and calling.
So God and I are working out some sort of arrangement right now. As soon as we can come to an agreement with the terms I’ll be sure to let everyone know.
From God moment to Gratitude.
My brain has been on overload here for the last several weeks. I’ve done little to be noticed by the outside world other than my normal work days. However the dust and shit is flying everywhere in my head as I get control of my life again. It’s weird to say the least.
The way I look at things is as if a filter has been lifted from my eyes. I feel like I’m doing things deliberately and on purpose. I can see the front end and the back end of my decisions. Will I still fuck things up,,,you bet! I’m human after all.
I’ve been so grateful here lately for just things, things that have little to no meaning to most people I’m sure. I think gratitude is much more real at those levels. A simple intentional greeting is a small thing that we can all do and it cost nothing but can completely change a persons out look on the day. It shows that I cared enough to acknowledge somebodies presence. Do they all smile and wave back or wish me the same....hell no! It’s the 1 or 2 that do that make it all worth while. It’s fun in a twisted sort of way. People are ripe for the pickin’ these days. Most are removed from the world and walk around in a bubble. I’m that prick that pops the bubble. However this time being a prick is not a bad thing.
Most people really want to engage in some sort of conversation. A conversation that is listened with both ears and sometimes both eyes, although rare is does exist.
Beyond that I’m grateful for so many things and so many people in my life.
Most of them if not all of them really do know that I’m grateful for the roles that they have played in my life over the years. Everyone that is reading this should know that they are deeply appreciated and loved by me,,,right? Say yes!
Anyone reading this please feel free to send this or any of my blog shit to someone that you think would get something from it or even better yet to any of my friends that aren’t subscribers.
The person that has been on my mind a lot is my sister Brenda. I brought her up in my board meeting last Monday. She was my example for character. As I did my piece in front of the staff it was almost like I was outside of myself listening in on what was being said. I was hearing myself speak as if I was not even part of my own body. Crazy! Anyway...
I was talking about what a strong woman she is and how much adversity she has been through. Yet somehow she is able to do the right thing and puts her children before her self and does what she has to do to provide for her kids. Despite the toll it has and will take on her, she meets and exceeds the expectations of what anyone would ever expect from a parent. Sure she makes mistakes. There is not one of us who doesn’t. If think we are exempt from that, then you are only kidding yourself.
It was then as I spoke about Brenda that I realized how much she means to me and how much of inspiration she has been to me over the years. I can honestly say I’ve taken for granted that she has been in my life. There had been years that had gone by that she and I didn’t talk ( or so it seemed ). Yet when we did talk there was never any guilt trips shit or nothing. It was as if we spoke a week ago. Does that sound familiar to any of you? It should. That’s the sort of person that we all have in our lives that we call a true friend! Brenda has been my sister since I was born. However,,,at this very moment I now realize that she is not only my sister,,,but a true friend. WOW!
Talk about being blessed.
She and I were your typical brother and sister. I got under her skin every chance I could but as a brother that was my duty. I think that is how a young boy shows he cares. I missed her when she wasn’t around and bugged the piss out of her when she was.
Brenda always cared for me, like a surrogate Mom sometimes. My Mom is great and has always been there for me. There is a bond that siblings have if they are lucky that transcends everything else. That bond is something that I have with my sister. We had fights as children, but as adults we have never had an issue that caused us to raise our voices at one another. I haven’t always agreed with her decisions, especially with men. That’s my right as a man, friend and a brother!
She deserves a great man that will unconditionally love her and her children. Breaks don’t come easy if they come at all. If anyone in my world deserves a break it’s Brenda. Maybe part of it is she has to have her eyes open to see it when it presents itself. I wish I could bring that answer to her. I wish I could bring Brenda, Travis and Brianna here to Tennessee to start over. The offer is open though regardless.
I personally couldn’t find my truth until I left the nest of Michigan. I’ve had my world shaken up many times. Each time I was able to find something that helped me elevate myself to a new level. In retrospect it has not been to bad. Sure some messed up shit has happened but I have met some great people from those ashes. I saved a life, fell in love, got my heart broken again, faced what I thought was going to be my endgame with a cancer scare.
Looking back it was a piece of cake. When I was in the middle of it? Not so much. Yet something gave me the strength to move forward. Was it God or was it just me not thinking I could actually die or fail at something? Well,,, I know I can fail now, even if I think it was written in the stars and a sure thing. What is more important, I’m alive, and I have some great people in my life.
Knowing this, really makes me see things much clearer. Stuff is stuff and you can’t take it with you. The love and friendship that Brenda has given me over the years is worth more than any “thing” I’ll ever be able to buy. You can’t buy a sister like mine.
My God ( notice I said MY GOD ) has opened my eyes and has given me some understanding to that deep knowing that I have always carried with me.
I’m not out of the woods yet. I do have a plan though. This plan excites me like no plan has ever excited me before. I’m looking forward to the day that I can just do the right thing with every aspect of my life and make more of an impact on the people that I meet and choose to help. I do feel like I have a calling. I don’t know what it is as of yet, but I am aware of something. Will it change the world? Probably not the entire world, but I can’t say that for sure. Will it change the world for a single person? You bet, that is all you can do. If you can make someones day better, you have changed the world for that person. Sure shit still goes on that I don’t agree with but at least I’m doing something,,,,one person at a time. That’s all any of us can do.
My gratitude has been extended to my sister in this post, but do know that I’m grateful for everyone that reads this and understands what I’m saying. I’m grateful for the blessed mess that has been my life. I don’t think I would have wanted to skate through life without obstacles. The demons I face have made me stronger, the demons I’m yet to face are why I sharpen my sword. Friends like Brenda, George, Ketha, Christine and Deirdre have made my life worth living. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you all. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my family and extended family.
Blessings of light...
Allen
I was just laying there one night worried about finances, and just simply how in the hell I was ever going to be free again. Will I ever love another woman like I have in the not so distant past?
Will I work till the day I die and have no one holding my hand as I pass away?
At 41 years old so much has become magnified in my life. Purpose, function and impact are just a few words that come to mind on how I affect others and how they affect me.
It’s been a crazy roller coaster to say the least. I believe that being alone with no family here has a lot to do with it. Blood is blood, right, wrong or indifferent you can’t change it. There is a bond there, whether you like it or not.
Oh,,,here’s the disclaimer: I’m fine, I am not now, nor was I recently suicidal. Hitting rock bottom mentally, emotionally and spiritually is part of my personal voyage to enlightenment.... Or so I tell myself. ; )
It’s there for everyone I suspect, it’s just whether they are looking.
I’m generally not looking when shit happens to me. It just happens while I’m wrapped up in the moment, it’s hard to realize that I’m actual in a moment, let alone a moment of discovery. Sometimes you realize it after you’ve been in it and are now standing back looking in on it. Anyone that has ever been there knows what I’m talking about. If you haven’t,,, then you live in a cave as a soulless troglodyte. I’m sure that was uncalled for,,,however it’s my blog so I say what I want here "at my place on the food chain “ I’m King Poobah so deal with it.
So there I was just laying in my sleeping bag staring at the ceiling trying to go to sleep and this mess of crap was just rolling around in my head. I was worried about my wife and kids, then realized that, they aren’t my wife and kids any more. The kids aren’t even mine, I have no legal rights to them. (I feel I have moral rights because I love them)
It feels like I’ve been erased from there lives. I was just a thing for 7 years. I don’t mean that to sound harsh trust me. What I have come to realize is that they are teens and what is important to them today isn’t me. They have huge hearts, hearts big enough that I hope I have a place in there somewhere. Being that they are teens, the important things are the fun things. So it’s easy for an adult to look and feel like they have been removed completely. So I do hope that’s the case. With Amy? Not sure, that’s a tough nut,,,it just depends on how deep you want venture. I realize that I can call them and her. I feel like I’m the only one reaching out, mostly from an attachment aspect. They seem to have just disconnected from me as an emotion. I’m glad I left Michigan, but I sometimes wish I would have never married her. I miss my friend Amy and this marriage thing we had has created for me trust issues and a lot of unanswered questions. We get along great, there is just a line I don’t cross. That line is my line not hers. I’ve beaten this dead horse long enough....
With that being said? Sorry that turned into a bunny trail.... Welcome to my head!
Take that along with worry of how my life was going to look 5 years from now, then add the guilt of past debt with a fear of losing what little I have and having my bank account seized. The fear of losing my apartment and being homeless again was almost too much handle. The gut dropping feeling is best described as that “holy shit’ feeling that you get when you wake up at 4:00 a.m. In the morning and your kid isn’t home. That describes my gut on any given day or night for months!
However this time, as I mentioned earlier as I lay staring at the ceiling, this time was different. I cannot even begin to describe how old this was getting for me, I was living in the movie “Ground hog day’ I swear. Work, worry, work, go home, eat, worry, drink, fall asleep, repeat......
BAM! There it was. I got this feeling of relief that just surrounded me. I felt for the first time in months an ease that just flowed over me like a warm blanket on a cold winter night. As I type this it reminds of when I was sick as a child. After a day or two of being sick with a fever,,,then the fever breaks and almost like on cue my mother would come in to check on me then tuck me in. It’s just a safe feeling, a feeling that no matter what happens can’t be taken away. You know at that moment that it is truly o.k.
That was when a voice in my head said, “you need to do the right thing, regardless of its cost.’ Just think About that for a moment. Do the right thing, regardless of it’s cost. Be it personal cost or financial.
That statement could easily make someone twitch and maybe even find reasons not to act upon it. Ya know?
Applying that to all aspects of my life has changed many things. It’s not just doing the right thing, it’s doing the right thing when no one is there to see you do it. That’s a personal adventure of truth and inner self worth. Do the right thing not because you don’t want to suffer the consequences of what if you got caught, it’s doing the right thing because it’s the right thing. There is no reason for achievement or fulfillment in doing the right thing. If you only do the right thing for reasons of achievement or fulfillment then you are doing it for a reason that serves you and makes you feel good. Thus it’s not truly the right reason to do the right thing. Does that make any sense?
Any way,,,, that’s what came to me, was it God? Shit man I don’t know. I’m comfortable with God, I don’t know if my god is the same God that everyone says that they give tithings to. I’m not sure if that’s what God is really all about.
Have I become a Christian? I don’t think I have, I’ve become aware of a force though. I have for years, been running from God. What I mean by running from God is more like running from the institution and the bible thumpers that run the word of God through the human agenda. That doesn’t work for me. I went to church recently with a friend and had really hoped to see something eye opening. I left disappointed, it was simply a lot of people going through the motions. I’m not being judgmental, I’m just calling a spade a spade in this case. I’m sure some of them get it. What ever “it” is?
Sorry if this sound pompous but I can read a lot about a person by looking in their eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul. That old knowing look that I remember seeing in the eyes of my Grandmother Merritt was missing from their eyes.
My Grandparents generation understood something that some of this generation has lost or maybe replaced with a digital gadgets. I’m not blaming technology necessarily. It’s the disconnect the world has with everything. I look around and see me, me as being different from them. I’m here with a cause that is much deeper than most here can understand. I have a purpose to understand this inner voice and calling.
So God and I are working out some sort of arrangement right now. As soon as we can come to an agreement with the terms I’ll be sure to let everyone know.
From God moment to Gratitude.
My brain has been on overload here for the last several weeks. I’ve done little to be noticed by the outside world other than my normal work days. However the dust and shit is flying everywhere in my head as I get control of my life again. It’s weird to say the least.
The way I look at things is as if a filter has been lifted from my eyes. I feel like I’m doing things deliberately and on purpose. I can see the front end and the back end of my decisions. Will I still fuck things up,,,you bet! I’m human after all.
I’ve been so grateful here lately for just things, things that have little to no meaning to most people I’m sure. I think gratitude is much more real at those levels. A simple intentional greeting is a small thing that we can all do and it cost nothing but can completely change a persons out look on the day. It shows that I cared enough to acknowledge somebodies presence. Do they all smile and wave back or wish me the same....hell no! It’s the 1 or 2 that do that make it all worth while. It’s fun in a twisted sort of way. People are ripe for the pickin’ these days. Most are removed from the world and walk around in a bubble. I’m that prick that pops the bubble. However this time being a prick is not a bad thing.
Most people really want to engage in some sort of conversation. A conversation that is listened with both ears and sometimes both eyes, although rare is does exist.
Beyond that I’m grateful for so many things and so many people in my life.
Most of them if not all of them really do know that I’m grateful for the roles that they have played in my life over the years. Everyone that is reading this should know that they are deeply appreciated and loved by me,,,right? Say yes!
Anyone reading this please feel free to send this or any of my blog shit to someone that you think would get something from it or even better yet to any of my friends that aren’t subscribers.
The person that has been on my mind a lot is my sister Brenda. I brought her up in my board meeting last Monday. She was my example for character. As I did my piece in front of the staff it was almost like I was outside of myself listening in on what was being said. I was hearing myself speak as if I was not even part of my own body. Crazy! Anyway...
I was talking about what a strong woman she is and how much adversity she has been through. Yet somehow she is able to do the right thing and puts her children before her self and does what she has to do to provide for her kids. Despite the toll it has and will take on her, she meets and exceeds the expectations of what anyone would ever expect from a parent. Sure she makes mistakes. There is not one of us who doesn’t. If think we are exempt from that, then you are only kidding yourself.
It was then as I spoke about Brenda that I realized how much she means to me and how much of inspiration she has been to me over the years. I can honestly say I’ve taken for granted that she has been in my life. There had been years that had gone by that she and I didn’t talk ( or so it seemed ). Yet when we did talk there was never any guilt trips shit or nothing. It was as if we spoke a week ago. Does that sound familiar to any of you? It should. That’s the sort of person that we all have in our lives that we call a true friend! Brenda has been my sister since I was born. However,,,at this very moment I now realize that she is not only my sister,,,but a true friend. WOW!
Talk about being blessed.
She and I were your typical brother and sister. I got under her skin every chance I could but as a brother that was my duty. I think that is how a young boy shows he cares. I missed her when she wasn’t around and bugged the piss out of her when she was.
Brenda always cared for me, like a surrogate Mom sometimes. My Mom is great and has always been there for me. There is a bond that siblings have if they are lucky that transcends everything else. That bond is something that I have with my sister. We had fights as children, but as adults we have never had an issue that caused us to raise our voices at one another. I haven’t always agreed with her decisions, especially with men. That’s my right as a man, friend and a brother!
She deserves a great man that will unconditionally love her and her children. Breaks don’t come easy if they come at all. If anyone in my world deserves a break it’s Brenda. Maybe part of it is she has to have her eyes open to see it when it presents itself. I wish I could bring that answer to her. I wish I could bring Brenda, Travis and Brianna here to Tennessee to start over. The offer is open though regardless.
I personally couldn’t find my truth until I left the nest of Michigan. I’ve had my world shaken up many times. Each time I was able to find something that helped me elevate myself to a new level. In retrospect it has not been to bad. Sure some messed up shit has happened but I have met some great people from those ashes. I saved a life, fell in love, got my heart broken again, faced what I thought was going to be my endgame with a cancer scare.
Looking back it was a piece of cake. When I was in the middle of it? Not so much. Yet something gave me the strength to move forward. Was it God or was it just me not thinking I could actually die or fail at something? Well,,, I know I can fail now, even if I think it was written in the stars and a sure thing. What is more important, I’m alive, and I have some great people in my life.
Knowing this, really makes me see things much clearer. Stuff is stuff and you can’t take it with you. The love and friendship that Brenda has given me over the years is worth more than any “thing” I’ll ever be able to buy. You can’t buy a sister like mine.
My God ( notice I said MY GOD ) has opened my eyes and has given me some understanding to that deep knowing that I have always carried with me.
I’m not out of the woods yet. I do have a plan though. This plan excites me like no plan has ever excited me before. I’m looking forward to the day that I can just do the right thing with every aspect of my life and make more of an impact on the people that I meet and choose to help. I do feel like I have a calling. I don’t know what it is as of yet, but I am aware of something. Will it change the world? Probably not the entire world, but I can’t say that for sure. Will it change the world for a single person? You bet, that is all you can do. If you can make someones day better, you have changed the world for that person. Sure shit still goes on that I don’t agree with but at least I’m doing something,,,,one person at a time. That’s all any of us can do.
My gratitude has been extended to my sister in this post, but do know that I’m grateful for everyone that reads this and understands what I’m saying. I’m grateful for the blessed mess that has been my life. I don’t think I would have wanted to skate through life without obstacles. The demons I face have made me stronger, the demons I’m yet to face are why I sharpen my sword. Friends like Brenda, George, Ketha, Christine and Deirdre have made my life worth living. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you all. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my family and extended family.
Blessings of light...
Allen
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Tumult
9/12/10
Where have I been? Good question. Depends on your view of what is “where”. I’ve been at my lowest, highest, saddest, happiest and just simply stupefied!
Lately I’ve been to depressed to write then when the anxiety of life wasn’t in the way I sure as hell didn’t want to sit down and relive the bullshit that haunts me everyday. Still too vague? Good! This would be far to short if I just got to the point. There needs to be lessons and shit like that to make this worth your reading. I’m not trying to save the world but I do hope that I can say and share something with people that make them realize that:
A) Their life isn’t that bad
B)I’m not alone in this world with my own decisions and mistakes
C)Most importantly “you’re alive”.
2010 has been a year of change too say the least. I compare it to 2001 in a lot of ways. That was the year that I lost my job in Northern Michigan. 700 to 800 dollars a week on average to 600 dollars every 2 weeks on unemployment. Running thin doesn’t even begin to explain that situation.
Good, bad or what ever I was still in good spirits. I basically lost everything except for what was left of my dignity. I gave everything I had in my house to my little brother hoping that it would give him a shot in the arm and get him out there with a head start. I gave away my car to a friend that lived in Traverse City that needed it more than I did. Granted when I left Michigan to go to California to start a new life I left some skeletons behind. Some skeletons that my parents and little brother dealt with,,,,good, bad or indifferent, I apologize to them all. There really isn’t much else I can do beyond that. It is what it is, I suppose.
Now I’m faced with dealing with those skeletons. Mostly by choice mind you. I’ve been looking deep into my soul for answers. My work is one of those places where we embrace the challenges of “doing the right thing”. Despite what other business's do, we are visionary's to say the least. It is the most selfless company I’ve ever worked for. It’s all about taking care of others and making choices based on what is the right thing to do for any given circumstance. I’ll tell you that’s a big responsibility to take on. You can’t hide in a culture like that. You can try but it will catch up to. That’s the beauty of it. It makes you look at things head on, the more you look, the more obvious the right answer is. It's not always the most popular answer but it's the right answer. Try and be self serving in an environment like that, it will eat you alive and spit you out in the gutter where you belong. The truth is the truth and all you can do is except it.
The thoughts of right action and right motives becomes a part of your everyday life. Use this and all of that other shit just melts away. You no longer have to worry about something catching up to you. You become transparent and you see the world for what it is and what it is lacking. I have found that the world is lacking the love and peace that I can offer to others. I’m no saint don’t get me wrong. The meaning of this to me is how can I help others? Right now is nothing more than me just facing my demons and making things right. Through that example I set forth on an adventure that others will see the meaning of my actions. It’s then up to them to act upon it in a fashion that is correct for them in their own situation. Inspire others through your actions. Pure actions through pure intent.
Do I want to face my creditors? Hell no! I put myself in a situation that I thought I had a way out of. Life happened to me in December of 2009 and it all changed in a blink of an eye. I didn’t know then what I know now. Ask me if I know pain and loss, ask me if I can help you understand the pain you're feeling. My answer is yes! The knowing I came to was a long walk with my “God”. This adventure lead me down some of the darkest alley’s I’ve seen in years. Yet I felt a presence that made me realize that it was going to be all right. Yeah taking care of debt is going to suck. However the light that I can now see at the end of this tunnel is going to make me so much stronger. I look forward to the day that I can give back to others, hopefully even spare them the pain that I went through emotionally and spiritually, not to mention financially.
I’m not a greedy person by no stretch of the imagination. Well not anymore anyway. It used to be "what's mine is mine and you can't use it so don't even ask". I’ve lost everything yet I have gained so much more. I’ve learned forgiveness on my terms and can see that there is more to my life than I can truly even realize at this moment. I’m not sure what is going to happen as my adventure unfurls. Am I scared? You’d better believe it but the prize at the end of this is going to be worth the pain and loss. I firmly believe in order to feel bliss, you have to know pain. I'm reading for the pain to end, and a new day to begin!
It’s about perspective and how you choose to move forward. Right thought, right actions, no matter what the initial cost can only end up with the “right ending”.
I see too many people out there that are simply put,,,”black souls”. I don’t know what got them there. I don’t know their story. I only see people that need compassion. My heart goes out to those people and it’s those people I want to help, be it with kind words that have been forged by my own experiences or just a knowing glance through eye contact. I truly feel I can make a difference in others lives. However first I must get my life in order. It would be like reading a book on survival and quoting it back verbatim without even trying it myself. There is nothing genuine there and people will see that and not feel moved by it at all. I have thousands of dollars of debt that I need to take care of before I can truly walk the walk. This is my purpose, this is something that I have to do, this my friends is the right thing for me to do.
Love and light...
Allen
Where have I been? Good question. Depends on your view of what is “where”. I’ve been at my lowest, highest, saddest, happiest and just simply stupefied!
Lately I’ve been to depressed to write then when the anxiety of life wasn’t in the way I sure as hell didn’t want to sit down and relive the bullshit that haunts me everyday. Still too vague? Good! This would be far to short if I just got to the point. There needs to be lessons and shit like that to make this worth your reading. I’m not trying to save the world but I do hope that I can say and share something with people that make them realize that:
A) Their life isn’t that bad
B)I’m not alone in this world with my own decisions and mistakes
C)Most importantly “you’re alive”.
2010 has been a year of change too say the least. I compare it to 2001 in a lot of ways. That was the year that I lost my job in Northern Michigan. 700 to 800 dollars a week on average to 600 dollars every 2 weeks on unemployment. Running thin doesn’t even begin to explain that situation.
Good, bad or what ever I was still in good spirits. I basically lost everything except for what was left of my dignity. I gave everything I had in my house to my little brother hoping that it would give him a shot in the arm and get him out there with a head start. I gave away my car to a friend that lived in Traverse City that needed it more than I did. Granted when I left Michigan to go to California to start a new life I left some skeletons behind. Some skeletons that my parents and little brother dealt with,,,,good, bad or indifferent, I apologize to them all. There really isn’t much else I can do beyond that. It is what it is, I suppose.
Now I’m faced with dealing with those skeletons. Mostly by choice mind you. I’ve been looking deep into my soul for answers. My work is one of those places where we embrace the challenges of “doing the right thing”. Despite what other business's do, we are visionary's to say the least. It is the most selfless company I’ve ever worked for. It’s all about taking care of others and making choices based on what is the right thing to do for any given circumstance. I’ll tell you that’s a big responsibility to take on. You can’t hide in a culture like that. You can try but it will catch up to. That’s the beauty of it. It makes you look at things head on, the more you look, the more obvious the right answer is. It's not always the most popular answer but it's the right answer. Try and be self serving in an environment like that, it will eat you alive and spit you out in the gutter where you belong. The truth is the truth and all you can do is except it.
The thoughts of right action and right motives becomes a part of your everyday life. Use this and all of that other shit just melts away. You no longer have to worry about something catching up to you. You become transparent and you see the world for what it is and what it is lacking. I have found that the world is lacking the love and peace that I can offer to others. I’m no saint don’t get me wrong. The meaning of this to me is how can I help others? Right now is nothing more than me just facing my demons and making things right. Through that example I set forth on an adventure that others will see the meaning of my actions. It’s then up to them to act upon it in a fashion that is correct for them in their own situation. Inspire others through your actions. Pure actions through pure intent.
Do I want to face my creditors? Hell no! I put myself in a situation that I thought I had a way out of. Life happened to me in December of 2009 and it all changed in a blink of an eye. I didn’t know then what I know now. Ask me if I know pain and loss, ask me if I can help you understand the pain you're feeling. My answer is yes! The knowing I came to was a long walk with my “God”. This adventure lead me down some of the darkest alley’s I’ve seen in years. Yet I felt a presence that made me realize that it was going to be all right. Yeah taking care of debt is going to suck. However the light that I can now see at the end of this tunnel is going to make me so much stronger. I look forward to the day that I can give back to others, hopefully even spare them the pain that I went through emotionally and spiritually, not to mention financially.
I’m not a greedy person by no stretch of the imagination. Well not anymore anyway. It used to be "what's mine is mine and you can't use it so don't even ask". I’ve lost everything yet I have gained so much more. I’ve learned forgiveness on my terms and can see that there is more to my life than I can truly even realize at this moment. I’m not sure what is going to happen as my adventure unfurls. Am I scared? You’d better believe it but the prize at the end of this is going to be worth the pain and loss. I firmly believe in order to feel bliss, you have to know pain. I'm reading for the pain to end, and a new day to begin!
It’s about perspective and how you choose to move forward. Right thought, right actions, no matter what the initial cost can only end up with the “right ending”.
I see too many people out there that are simply put,,,”black souls”. I don’t know what got them there. I don’t know their story. I only see people that need compassion. My heart goes out to those people and it’s those people I want to help, be it with kind words that have been forged by my own experiences or just a knowing glance through eye contact. I truly feel I can make a difference in others lives. However first I must get my life in order. It would be like reading a book on survival and quoting it back verbatim without even trying it myself. There is nothing genuine there and people will see that and not feel moved by it at all. I have thousands of dollars of debt that I need to take care of before I can truly walk the walk. This is my purpose, this is something that I have to do, this my friends is the right thing for me to do.
Love and light...
Allen
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Where do you feel good?
Where do you feel good? Before this runs down the wrong road let’s reel it back in shall we? However an opening statement like that can grab someones attention quick enough, now whether you will hold on for the rest of this is simply up to you.
Where do you feel good was something I came up with while out riding. I have been riding a short road course lately that has been my way of gauging my progress. I generally ride this short course (9.59 miles) with 1 water bottle, an emergency vanilla GU pack and a 2 year old snicker bar that is under my seat with my allen wrenches. I do not listen to music or have anything stuck in my ear to help me get my mind off of things. I want my mind on things as I ride this time trial of sorts. 9 and half miles is not a big deal at all. It’s a hilly rolling stretch of pavement that the road bikers often ride. I’m currently doing this on my Mountain bike and pushing big gears. I’m averaging 15 to 16 miles per hour over the entire loop. I’m often held at bay by a couple of traffic lights..... Traffic lights have now replaced photographers in my life. I’m no longer in the lime light, no one even knows who I am or what I have done in my career as a cyclist. Photographers used to jump in my way to get “the shot”, often causing me slow up (in the beginning) or just plowing into them with a stiff shoulder (later in my career). Nonetheless traffic lights, like photographers can ruin a good ride if you let them. I’m a numbers guys, I can plan my time trial based on my average speed alone as I pass mental check points. Todays ride was no different the “light gods” were not shining on me at all. I went out this morning knowing what I had to do to shave more time off of my best time. An average speed of over 15.5 mph was the flavor of the morning. As I looped back passing my apartment complex I was sitting at 16.1 as an average. I’m normally at about 13 to 14, so I knew I was in for a great morning. As I stood up and began my dance on my pedals, the over pass of the I-65 blurring over my head as I sprinted to 27 mph while looking back over my shoulder and merging across 2 lanes of traffic to secure my position for the intersection of Liberty and Royal oaks, the light goes yellow. I was probably 600 hundred feet from the stop bar and knew I was in for a wait,,,,a wait that I knew would chip away at my average speed and time. It must have been a monitored intersection because it was letting everyone take the left hand turns. I watched 45 seconds pass away as my bike computer was slowly having a morning snack on my average speed. I looked down and saw my average drop to 15.8, then 15.4 when I got the light and the cars started to move I saw I was now at 14.8! I had serious time to make up,,,but would it be enough? The next 4.5 miles I was clipping along at 26 mph until I hit Mack Hatcher, I rolled it back to around 21 mph and tried to spin more and get some water in me. The morning was all ready starting to heat up and get muggy. I just focused and tried to get my average back to the upper 15’s. I made my next long climb and peaked at the light of around 15.2. I’m back on track I thought as I waited for another light! By the time the light changed, I was at 14.7 and about 2 miles to go. I finished the morning at 15.2 with a time of 37:41. My best time was 37.03, the lights won this morning....
You’re wondering what the hell? Where does he feel good?,,,,How does this affect me? Did he go off the deep end. Yes! Well,,,No. The above sets the stage and mindset for me. The above are the things that my eyes do. My eyes monitor the gauges and tell the legs to push, the thumb to shift.
During the climbs or 2 mile sprints on the flats I find myself just thinking and trying to take in the sights,sounds and sometimes good odors. It occurred to me that during my preparation in the morning before I ride is when I find me. It’s the intention of what I’m doing the deliberate actions of routine and superstition. Brief note on the superstition thing. Earlier I mentioned that I carry a vanilla GU pack and a 2 year old snicker bar. Both items are fast energy in the event I “bonk”. I will not use them unless it’s an emergency. The snicker bar is probably shit by now,,,but...... It’s a snicker bar and with it has special powers to bring back the dead,,,or at least dead legs. I will not ride without it, can’t afford to need it and not have it. If I need it I will eat it regardless of its condition. Enough said.
As I gear up for my ride, I go through a transformation. Like a soldier preparing for battle, everything from my bike shorts to my helmet serves a purpose. If it doesn’t,,,it stays behind.
It’s not until I start to slip on my riding gear that I actually start to feel comfortable in my skin. Even as I carry my bike down the steps I feel somewhat exposed, maybe even vulnerable. The moment that I hear my cleats lock into my pedals,,,,, I become 1 with my bike. God damn that sounds sappy, but it’s true. For some it’s the sound of a roaring motorcycle or the power of a sports car,,,for me it’s the my Cannondale F3.
It’s now that I feel like I’m in control. All the shit that life has handed me is nothing but stuff now. My glasses shield my eyes from the sun. The also shield my eyes from the people who may catch a glimpse of me as I pass them or move around them. Either way they shield my eyes from revealing who I am when I’m not on my bike.
You see it’s when I’m on my bike that I feel like I have control of my life, my destiny and my heart for that matter. I get that road stare that focus’s my energy and intentions into forward motion. No one can get into my head when I’m riding, my eyes do not show the pain I feel nor do they let anyone else see anything that I don’t want them to see. It’s kind of like a poker face on steroids. Here is where I’m in control of what people see and know. I can choose to fight or I can show mercy or even humility to myself. It’s me and the limits I put on myself. I no longer feel alone or betrayed, scared or worried it’s just me and my bike.
This is where I feel good. Sure I’m confident at my work, humble now with a guitar in my hand. However,,, despite all the injuries and demons that I carry with me, my bike is where I feel good, it’s where no one can touch me, or break my heart. This part of my life,,,, I have control over. Now I ask you; “where do you feel good?”
Blood, sweat and gears.”
~A
Where do you feel good was something I came up with while out riding. I have been riding a short road course lately that has been my way of gauging my progress. I generally ride this short course (9.59 miles) with 1 water bottle, an emergency vanilla GU pack and a 2 year old snicker bar that is under my seat with my allen wrenches. I do not listen to music or have anything stuck in my ear to help me get my mind off of things. I want my mind on things as I ride this time trial of sorts. 9 and half miles is not a big deal at all. It’s a hilly rolling stretch of pavement that the road bikers often ride. I’m currently doing this on my Mountain bike and pushing big gears. I’m averaging 15 to 16 miles per hour over the entire loop. I’m often held at bay by a couple of traffic lights..... Traffic lights have now replaced photographers in my life. I’m no longer in the lime light, no one even knows who I am or what I have done in my career as a cyclist. Photographers used to jump in my way to get “the shot”, often causing me slow up (in the beginning) or just plowing into them with a stiff shoulder (later in my career). Nonetheless traffic lights, like photographers can ruin a good ride if you let them. I’m a numbers guys, I can plan my time trial based on my average speed alone as I pass mental check points. Todays ride was no different the “light gods” were not shining on me at all. I went out this morning knowing what I had to do to shave more time off of my best time. An average speed of over 15.5 mph was the flavor of the morning. As I looped back passing my apartment complex I was sitting at 16.1 as an average. I’m normally at about 13 to 14, so I knew I was in for a great morning. As I stood up and began my dance on my pedals, the over pass of the I-65 blurring over my head as I sprinted to 27 mph while looking back over my shoulder and merging across 2 lanes of traffic to secure my position for the intersection of Liberty and Royal oaks, the light goes yellow. I was probably 600 hundred feet from the stop bar and knew I was in for a wait,,,,a wait that I knew would chip away at my average speed and time. It must have been a monitored intersection because it was letting everyone take the left hand turns. I watched 45 seconds pass away as my bike computer was slowly having a morning snack on my average speed. I looked down and saw my average drop to 15.8, then 15.4 when I got the light and the cars started to move I saw I was now at 14.8! I had serious time to make up,,,but would it be enough? The next 4.5 miles I was clipping along at 26 mph until I hit Mack Hatcher, I rolled it back to around 21 mph and tried to spin more and get some water in me. The morning was all ready starting to heat up and get muggy. I just focused and tried to get my average back to the upper 15’s. I made my next long climb and peaked at the light of around 15.2. I’m back on track I thought as I waited for another light! By the time the light changed, I was at 14.7 and about 2 miles to go. I finished the morning at 15.2 with a time of 37:41. My best time was 37.03, the lights won this morning....
You’re wondering what the hell? Where does he feel good?,,,,How does this affect me? Did he go off the deep end. Yes! Well,,,No. The above sets the stage and mindset for me. The above are the things that my eyes do. My eyes monitor the gauges and tell the legs to push, the thumb to shift.
During the climbs or 2 mile sprints on the flats I find myself just thinking and trying to take in the sights,sounds and sometimes good odors. It occurred to me that during my preparation in the morning before I ride is when I find me. It’s the intention of what I’m doing the deliberate actions of routine and superstition. Brief note on the superstition thing. Earlier I mentioned that I carry a vanilla GU pack and a 2 year old snicker bar. Both items are fast energy in the event I “bonk”. I will not use them unless it’s an emergency. The snicker bar is probably shit by now,,,but...... It’s a snicker bar and with it has special powers to bring back the dead,,,or at least dead legs. I will not ride without it, can’t afford to need it and not have it. If I need it I will eat it regardless of its condition. Enough said.
As I gear up for my ride, I go through a transformation. Like a soldier preparing for battle, everything from my bike shorts to my helmet serves a purpose. If it doesn’t,,,it stays behind.
It’s not until I start to slip on my riding gear that I actually start to feel comfortable in my skin. Even as I carry my bike down the steps I feel somewhat exposed, maybe even vulnerable. The moment that I hear my cleats lock into my pedals,,,,, I become 1 with my bike. God damn that sounds sappy, but it’s true. For some it’s the sound of a roaring motorcycle or the power of a sports car,,,for me it’s the my Cannondale F3.
It’s now that I feel like I’m in control. All the shit that life has handed me is nothing but stuff now. My glasses shield my eyes from the sun. The also shield my eyes from the people who may catch a glimpse of me as I pass them or move around them. Either way they shield my eyes from revealing who I am when I’m not on my bike.
You see it’s when I’m on my bike that I feel like I have control of my life, my destiny and my heart for that matter. I get that road stare that focus’s my energy and intentions into forward motion. No one can get into my head when I’m riding, my eyes do not show the pain I feel nor do they let anyone else see anything that I don’t want them to see. It’s kind of like a poker face on steroids. Here is where I’m in control of what people see and know. I can choose to fight or I can show mercy or even humility to myself. It’s me and the limits I put on myself. I no longer feel alone or betrayed, scared or worried it’s just me and my bike.
This is where I feel good. Sure I’m confident at my work, humble now with a guitar in my hand. However,,, despite all the injuries and demons that I carry with me, my bike is where I feel good, it’s where no one can touch me, or break my heart. This part of my life,,,, I have control over. Now I ask you; “where do you feel good?”
Blood, sweat and gears.”
~A
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Michigan Trip
I have had a few weeks to absorb and reflect on my visit to Michigan. It was not something that I wanted to do necessarily, however it was something that I needed to do. I went back home to Cadillac for the first time since leaving for California without Amy and the boys. I know what you're thinking,,,get over it already! Sorry,,,,I'm trying, when I make a commitment for life I mean it.... Damn those words "for better or for worse, in sickness in and in health". I takes 2 I suppose. I get that ; )
Michigan is now merely a place where I was born. I no longer feel at home there. I am but just a visitor. It’s almost as if the very land that I was raised on has turned her back on me. Let me elaborate on that. My connection with Michigan had always been a deep spiritual connection. A connection that I could always rely on when all else had failed me. Returning this time in June of 2010 was almost a rite of passage. I dealt with the emotions of being another statistic of a failed marriage. I listened to the demons that heckled me with feelings of not being good enough, to all out anger and rage against the one thing that I always held dear to my heart,,,,the sanctity of marriage. The last institution where love, trust and honor can openly and lovingly bare it’s inner most secrets and fears.
Michigan seemed to turn her back on me in a way that only a mother can when trying to let go of a child that needs to face the real world. That same emotion hit me with the realization that marriage is only as good as the partner that you have chosen. I’m not slamming my ex-wife at all. This is just the reality of life anymore. We are a throw away society, if it’s broke, then don’t bother fixing it, you can replace it with someone else and let that run it's course and repeat. Despite the reasons why you got involved in the first place it’s just easier to put it down and move on. Old fashion morals and beliefs are a thing of the past. That's not fair,,,so I'll just say that this is "my take". Words are not just words to me, it goes much deeper than that....
The one thing that is constant is the spirit. Do with it as you will and harm none. Michigan turning her back on me made me realize that Tennessee is now my home.
From the moment that I landed on the tar mat in Grand Rapids something just felt different. More than the sadness I carry in my heart, there was something more tangible in the air. There was a distant welcome that I felt. More primal I suppose than what we as mere humans are familiar with. A mothers love is or should be unchanging. However in a primal sense I think more of how a mother bear or lion may acknowledge it’s own after years of separation. She recognizes the scent, and at some level realizes that this is her cub. Yet, that is all,,,merely acknowledging and allowing it to pass without resistance,,, if that makes any sense?
I was greeted warmly by an old friend at the airport who picked me up and was going to take me to Cadillac. Matt is a wonderful soul and a true friend. We haven’t seen each other in years yet it was like yesterday and we picked up where we left off. We all know people like that,,,these people are the friends by which all other friends are weighed against. Right wrong or indifferent it’s what we do,,,or at least that’s what I do. I don’t personally have a lot of friends, the ones I do have I hold very close and they fit nicely into my world. It’s all about quality,,not quantity. Not to mention the money I save on bullshit cards for birthdays and holiday shit. I've never had room in my life for pretentious ass holes that only want to be your friend for reason only known to them. Sooooooo,,,there you go! I've called out the 3,000# gorilla in the middle of the room!
I saw my parents for the first time in about 4 years? Like I had eluded to earlier, it was hard walking into that house alone. It was like I had made a full circle, the reasons I left Michigan and turned my back on her were all now facing me again, unchanged. Again I say failure, yet I realize that it’s just the way things go. (So please spare me the emails on diagnosis and help for my wounded heart and soul...lol. I’m merely saying it as it happened and how it felt at the “time”.) My Mother saw me roll up into the yard with Matt. She met me on the side walk as I turned around after finding that the front door of the house was locked. She hugged me,,, I was home.
My father soon wandered into the house and found me standing in the hall way. I thought he was going to cry for a second. Step 1 in my recovery had now taken place. The empty void I felt was now replaced with the smiles of 2 people that love me unconditionally. My failures to them mean nothing, I’m their son and that was all that mattered. Now the exorcism of my soul can begin.
My room where I was to sleep still had the pictures from my wedding. That room was like a time capsule, it seemed untouched from the last time I was stayed in there so many years ago with Amy. The images don’t hurt like they used to. It’s odd,,,, in some way the not hurting as much anymore has it’s own sort of pain. It seems to almost split the heart from soul. One longs for the embrace while the other feels sadness for not feeling sadness? If that makes any sense to anyone reading this,,please share your thoughts....
The days moved on, as visited some old friends. Only a few mind you. There was just so many things that I could have done but I just didn’t feel like I needed to or even wanted to. Most vacations end up with racing around trying to make sure that everyone is taken care of and all the right time was spent with the right people,,,blah, blah, blah....
This trip was about me, regardless of how selfish that may sound, if you love me you'll undestand.
I surprised my dear friend Chris by showing up at her house with my mother on Sunday morning. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Chris is one of my dearest friends. She sees me for who I am and loves me just the same. I often avoid people like that during my dark times, because she can see into my soul and will tell me the things that I need to hear,,,yet don’t want to hear or face. Chris and I have an interesting relationship, one that I still can’t put into words.
She had never met my Mother before and for some reason I felt that it was important to do so. It’s people like Chris that I blame my eccentrics on. She along with others have this spirit about them that I look for in people that I’m close to. If you don’t have that spirit, I generally keep you at arms length. Those who get it, well,,,,get it. Those who don’t,,,won’t.
I reconnected with my sister Brenda and spent some time with her kids Brianna and Travis. We had a great time and those 2 kids are in deed something special, I would give my life for them both! My sister has been a constant in my life. She's always open and clear with her intent. She speaks from the heart,,,though long winded it's from the heart and I love her so dearly for that quality.
Although all these great things were happening around me with family and an apparent healing was taking place there was still something dark looming in the back ground. This darkness was again the mother Michigan. God that must sound like I’ve gone off the deep end. I swear to you haven’t (I think). A song comes to mind that I remember from soooo many years ago. The song is " Stranger in a strange land", by Iron Maiden.
Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hopes and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world
Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day when dawn and friends from home discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me
Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place and leave no trace
Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home
One hundred years have gone and men again they came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell on that day
Preserved in time for all to see
No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place and leave no trace
What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone
Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home
What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone
What’s funny is that this Iron Maiden song is a song that I remembered from years ago back in high school. It had a haunting feeling then. I remembered thinking to my self that this sums up my emotions and knowing that I need to leave Michigan. I didn’t realize then, all those years ago that it would unfold to this? It’s amazing to remember moments from your deep past and to see them play out so many years later. Music can be magical if you just pay attention to it’s influence.
The “Michigan turning her back on her son” thought came to me on my way to Pauls place of rest, the place where Paul Sr., Nadea, Pauls Mom and myself went to spread his ashes.
I used to spend so much time out there when I was still living in Michigan. Poured out many Guinness extra stouts out there and consumed even more with my fallen brother.
Let’s rewind a bit shall we.
I was out just driving around Cadillac. Every god damn corner, building and house seemed to hold a memory for me. These memories just continued to remind me of my losses and how entangled my heart was in this god forsaken town. It was then that things started to come clear to me. I’m 41 and this isn’t my home. I don’t want to be here and the demons of my past need to throw their god damn party and move on! I thought I would go to that one place, though it will make me sad and cry.
It is none the less a place where I can let my damaged guard down and just be myself and let it all out. This place is where Paul’s ashes were spread. All the way there I kept on getting this flood of emotions, sadness, anxiety, joy and then dread. As I approached, it hit me. I was not welcomed here. It made no sense at first. I drove up to the farm house and as the dogs barked, I realized.....Paul’s not he re anymore. Now what? The connection I felt with this land was gone? The land that held Paul's ashes is now barren? I guess that makes sense? Full circle has come, Ashes to ashes.....
I don’t know if Paul was my last connection here or what? I left him years ago to be with Amy and the boys. It was like his influence on me to “just do what my heart told me” to do had now played out. He can move on, now so can I.
In loving memory of Paul Gene Fuzi II
Merry Part, Till We Marry Meet Again...
~A
Michigan is now merely a place where I was born. I no longer feel at home there. I am but just a visitor. It’s almost as if the very land that I was raised on has turned her back on me. Let me elaborate on that. My connection with Michigan had always been a deep spiritual connection. A connection that I could always rely on when all else had failed me. Returning this time in June of 2010 was almost a rite of passage. I dealt with the emotions of being another statistic of a failed marriage. I listened to the demons that heckled me with feelings of not being good enough, to all out anger and rage against the one thing that I always held dear to my heart,,,,the sanctity of marriage. The last institution where love, trust and honor can openly and lovingly bare it’s inner most secrets and fears.
Michigan seemed to turn her back on me in a way that only a mother can when trying to let go of a child that needs to face the real world. That same emotion hit me with the realization that marriage is only as good as the partner that you have chosen. I’m not slamming my ex-wife at all. This is just the reality of life anymore. We are a throw away society, if it’s broke, then don’t bother fixing it, you can replace it with someone else and let that run it's course and repeat. Despite the reasons why you got involved in the first place it’s just easier to put it down and move on. Old fashion morals and beliefs are a thing of the past. That's not fair,,,so I'll just say that this is "my take". Words are not just words to me, it goes much deeper than that....
The one thing that is constant is the spirit. Do with it as you will and harm none. Michigan turning her back on me made me realize that Tennessee is now my home.
From the moment that I landed on the tar mat in Grand Rapids something just felt different. More than the sadness I carry in my heart, there was something more tangible in the air. There was a distant welcome that I felt. More primal I suppose than what we as mere humans are familiar with. A mothers love is or should be unchanging. However in a primal sense I think more of how a mother bear or lion may acknowledge it’s own after years of separation. She recognizes the scent, and at some level realizes that this is her cub. Yet, that is all,,,merely acknowledging and allowing it to pass without resistance,,, if that makes any sense?
I was greeted warmly by an old friend at the airport who picked me up and was going to take me to Cadillac. Matt is a wonderful soul and a true friend. We haven’t seen each other in years yet it was like yesterday and we picked up where we left off. We all know people like that,,,these people are the friends by which all other friends are weighed against. Right wrong or indifferent it’s what we do,,,or at least that’s what I do. I don’t personally have a lot of friends, the ones I do have I hold very close and they fit nicely into my world. It’s all about quality,,not quantity. Not to mention the money I save on bullshit cards for birthdays and holiday shit. I've never had room in my life for pretentious ass holes that only want to be your friend for reason only known to them. Sooooooo,,,there you go! I've called out the 3,000# gorilla in the middle of the room!
I saw my parents for the first time in about 4 years? Like I had eluded to earlier, it was hard walking into that house alone. It was like I had made a full circle, the reasons I left Michigan and turned my back on her were all now facing me again, unchanged. Again I say failure, yet I realize that it’s just the way things go. (So please spare me the emails on diagnosis and help for my wounded heart and soul...lol. I’m merely saying it as it happened and how it felt at the “time”.) My Mother saw me roll up into the yard with Matt. She met me on the side walk as I turned around after finding that the front door of the house was locked. She hugged me,,, I was home.
My father soon wandered into the house and found me standing in the hall way. I thought he was going to cry for a second. Step 1 in my recovery had now taken place. The empty void I felt was now replaced with the smiles of 2 people that love me unconditionally. My failures to them mean nothing, I’m their son and that was all that mattered. Now the exorcism of my soul can begin.
My room where I was to sleep still had the pictures from my wedding. That room was like a time capsule, it seemed untouched from the last time I was stayed in there so many years ago with Amy. The images don’t hurt like they used to. It’s odd,,,, in some way the not hurting as much anymore has it’s own sort of pain. It seems to almost split the heart from soul. One longs for the embrace while the other feels sadness for not feeling sadness? If that makes any sense to anyone reading this,,please share your thoughts....
The days moved on, as visited some old friends. Only a few mind you. There was just so many things that I could have done but I just didn’t feel like I needed to or even wanted to. Most vacations end up with racing around trying to make sure that everyone is taken care of and all the right time was spent with the right people,,,blah, blah, blah....
This trip was about me, regardless of how selfish that may sound, if you love me you'll undestand.
I surprised my dear friend Chris by showing up at her house with my mother on Sunday morning. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Chris is one of my dearest friends. She sees me for who I am and loves me just the same. I often avoid people like that during my dark times, because she can see into my soul and will tell me the things that I need to hear,,,yet don’t want to hear or face. Chris and I have an interesting relationship, one that I still can’t put into words.
She had never met my Mother before and for some reason I felt that it was important to do so. It’s people like Chris that I blame my eccentrics on. She along with others have this spirit about them that I look for in people that I’m close to. If you don’t have that spirit, I generally keep you at arms length. Those who get it, well,,,,get it. Those who don’t,,,won’t.
I reconnected with my sister Brenda and spent some time with her kids Brianna and Travis. We had a great time and those 2 kids are in deed something special, I would give my life for them both! My sister has been a constant in my life. She's always open and clear with her intent. She speaks from the heart,,,though long winded it's from the heart and I love her so dearly for that quality.
Although all these great things were happening around me with family and an apparent healing was taking place there was still something dark looming in the back ground. This darkness was again the mother Michigan. God that must sound like I’ve gone off the deep end. I swear to you haven’t (I think). A song comes to mind that I remember from soooo many years ago. The song is " Stranger in a strange land", by Iron Maiden.
Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hopes and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world
Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day when dawn and friends from home discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me
Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place and leave no trace
Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home
One hundred years have gone and men again they came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell on that day
Preserved in time for all to see
No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place and leave no trace
What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone
Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home
What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone
What’s funny is that this Iron Maiden song is a song that I remembered from years ago back in high school. It had a haunting feeling then. I remembered thinking to my self that this sums up my emotions and knowing that I need to leave Michigan. I didn’t realize then, all those years ago that it would unfold to this? It’s amazing to remember moments from your deep past and to see them play out so many years later. Music can be magical if you just pay attention to it’s influence.
The “Michigan turning her back on her son” thought came to me on my way to Pauls place of rest, the place where Paul Sr., Nadea, Pauls Mom and myself went to spread his ashes.
I used to spend so much time out there when I was still living in Michigan. Poured out many Guinness extra stouts out there and consumed even more with my fallen brother.
Let’s rewind a bit shall we.
I was out just driving around Cadillac. Every god damn corner, building and house seemed to hold a memory for me. These memories just continued to remind me of my losses and how entangled my heart was in this god forsaken town. It was then that things started to come clear to me. I’m 41 and this isn’t my home. I don’t want to be here and the demons of my past need to throw their god damn party and move on! I thought I would go to that one place, though it will make me sad and cry.
It is none the less a place where I can let my damaged guard down and just be myself and let it all out. This place is where Paul’s ashes were spread. All the way there I kept on getting this flood of emotions, sadness, anxiety, joy and then dread. As I approached, it hit me. I was not welcomed here. It made no sense at first. I drove up to the farm house and as the dogs barked, I realized.....Paul’s not he re anymore. Now what? The connection I felt with this land was gone? The land that held Paul's ashes is now barren? I guess that makes sense? Full circle has come, Ashes to ashes.....
I don’t know if Paul was my last connection here or what? I left him years ago to be with Amy and the boys. It was like his influence on me to “just do what my heart told me” to do had now played out. He can move on, now so can I.
In loving memory of Paul Gene Fuzi II
Merry Part, Till We Marry Meet Again...
~A
Monday, May 31, 2010
The birthday ride
This year I decided to celebrate my birthday with a 41 mile ride on my mountain bike. I mile for every frikin year that I am old..... WTH was I thinking? Anyone who has ever been into racing bikes knows,,, once it's in your blood there is no saving you.
Biking for me has been an escape, it's just me and my bike, "I" decide where I am going, how far and for how long. Only "I" can determine the limits of this ride.
Sunday morning I woke up early and was just feeling like,,,well,,, I could just go back to sleep. After all it was my birthday, I'm now alone, so I can do what I want, when I want. I had every reason not to ride. I drank a few too many beers the night before, my neck was hurting, my knee was having sharp pains if I put weight on it. I woke up feeling kind of sad. Birthdays for me are generally non events. It falls at the end of the month and on a holiday. So generally I just get a few token "happy birthdays" and that's about it. Don't get me wrong I'm not an it's all about "me" person. I go out of my way for others on their birthdays because to me a birthday is much more special and individual than lets say....X-mas. So on top of that I was missing my wife ( now ex ) and kids. So going back to sleep was looking better and better.
Then it hit me. WTF are you thinking, you said to yourself that you were going to do this,,,so get the fuck up and do it. Then all the guilt hit me. I thought about the people that can't do what I do. The cancer fighters, fallen loved ones,,,,,etc..... Then I thought about Lance Armstrong and what he endured. Then I thought about my Aunt Pauline and how she lost her fight with cancer. I thought about the people that I loved and whether they knew about my ride or not, how could I say one thing and do the other? I was tired of letting people down and paying the price with that lonely empty feeling. Needless to say,,I got up and made breakfast.
I was on the road by 7:20 a.m. I was making this adventure on my Cannondale F3 Caffeine mountain bike. I headed out onto Liberty Pike just outside of my apartment. I was en route to downtown Franklin,Tn. by which I would then pick up on hwy 96 and head out towards the Natchez trace. The first few miles for me is always a mind game. I had my computer set up so that I could monitor my mileage. 41 miles on pavement on a mountain bike has it's challenges, add to that watching the miles click along. I was impressed after the first few minutes of riding of how strong I suddenly felt. Maybe it was the purpose or intent of my ride that fired me up, don't know?
I managed to set a high pace up Liberty of 26 mph until the incline at which I dropped a few gears and spun up it at around 18 to 20 mph. I continued onto Franklin. In what seemed like no time at all I was on Hwy 96. Now was time to focus I stopped counting down the miles now, I gave into the fact that I had a ways to go and that I would do the math later when I made it to the Natchez trace bridge. My intention was to go 20.5 miles out and come back,,,that would give me the 41 miles I was after.
I was close to 8:00 a.m. now and I had settled into a comfortable pace in my big ring. It is now that the mind, body and bike start to operate as one. I was actually having a bit of a outer body experience at this time. Outer body as in I was analyzing my every motion, completely removed from self. It was almost like a helmet cam was being used. I felt nothing I was only seeing the motion being set forth by this guy on a bike. Weird shit I know. This is how I've always managed myself when I was in training for big races. In the big races if I could separate myself from the riders and race just me,,, I would be fine. All this pain, all this shit we cyclist put ourselves through is pushed by "self" and no one else.
So there I was looking over me and seeing how strong I was, seeing the road pass under my front wheel, hearing the power in each pedal stroke, scanning the horizon for targets or obstacles, then looking at that little fucking arrow on the computer that is telling me whether or not I'm on pace. The arrow should always show you on pace or above,,, below pace and my mind starts doing the math of what I have to do to make up for the lost pace and time.
As I ride I seldom take in a lot of the scenery, it proves to be a distraction. However I did take notice of some beautiful farmland and meadows. I then started to notice the scars left behind from the floods that we had in the beginning of May. As I rode past trees that grew near the road in the ditch about 1/2 mile away from the Harpeth river, I noticed that there was evidence of mud on the leafs that would be about 7 foot up from the ground. Holy shit I thought as I road along side these mighty survivors of the rain. 3 plus weeks ago I would not have been able to ride here because the water would have been over my shoulders deep! We ain't in Kansas no more, this place got hit by a lot of water in a few days time.
Alone, I pedal as the long climb ahead starts to show it's self through the hills of Tennessee. Much like a monster that you know is there, lurking, ready to pounce at you,,,, will I be ready?
I made a mental decision to reserve my energy while taking of the last bit of momentum I had with the slight decline heading into the hills. I grabbed a higher gear and picked up my pace to about 23 Mph, almost as if growling back at the hills. It may seem odd that reserve is going faster, but what happens is that by grabbing a bigger gear on a down hill and just pedaling with it you gain speed and increase blood flow to your legs with out having to push em hard. I think of it as a kind of purging thing. I do this to get rid of any lactic acid build up, I take long slow breaths to optimize oxygen intake allowing more blood to absorb more oxygen.
Then I can feel the hill's embrace as my legs start to push with resistance, I drop a gear, then another I find a good gear and pace and prepare for the climb. The hardest thing about this climb is, I've only ever known it from the seat of my car. Never before on a bike. This is the head game that you play with the hill, you just ride blindly, you know nothing of attack points, or breaks in the incline,,,hell I couldn't even see the top of the hill because it snaked around the 2 peaks at the top, for all I could remember there was more hill after that!
Then it happened! As I scanned the road, then my computer then back to the horizon I saw a road biker. At that moment a primal cyclist emotion kicked in ( only a cyclist truly knows this feeling ). I went into "predator mode". I hate this about me, but it does serve a purpose and as long as your not a dick I think it's o.k. From years of racing your mind is conditioned to win. All I know is, "there is someone ahead of me", I can't win if they stay ahead of me. However, I'm on a mountain bike. I'm riding in the world of "the roadies". As most know there has always been sort of a animosity between mountain and road, each thinks their sport is harder. Sooooo with that being said predator mode is not always welcomed by all. Let me explain.
As soon as I saw another rider ahead of me my pace instantly quickens. This bike was about 1/2 a mile of head of me and about half way up the first big climb. It wasn't going to be easy but I was going to give it a try. Still in the big ring and somewhere in the middle of my rear cogs I picked up the pace, I started a spin regimen and focused on my pace. As I got closer I could see the riders cadence and I started matching my pace to hers. I know what your thinking,,,, taking down a girl in a blaze of glory? I have had my ass handed to me by many woman in both mountain biking and road riding. All bets are off on the pavement,,, this is my birthday ride...lol
Anyway this method is what allows me to understand what is going on ahead of me. When I stare and match pace with bike ahead of me I get into that persons mind. You can monitor them and actually see faults in their riding, you can tell if they are seasoned or a newby, are they getting tired all of this shows in their form. This one was holding her own, I quicken my pace and started to close up the gap. I'm moving at about 15 mph up this long hill, my pace is about twice that of hers. As I approach I really try to be cool about catching a road bike on a long hill while saddled up on a mountain bike. I smile and say hello. I think she grimaced at me,,,not sure. I pull away from her fast and finish the climb about 1/4 mile ahead her. It's all down hill now to the Natchez trail bridge. I grabbed all my gears and pick up the pace to about 34 mph. I then let back on my pace and just enjoyed some free wheel cruising while sitting up on my seat and riding no handed. The fallen road biker has caught back up and is just behind me, I brake and let her pass. I then fell in behind her because we were both heading to the same place. She turned off the 96 and onto the ramp going up even more to the Natchez Trace bridge. Her friends were there waiting for her, I knew in my mind that I couldn't let off yet, they may start the chase on me and I refused to be passed on this final climb by anyone! My paranoia got me up the this last steep ass hill with no challenges. My rest area is about 1 mile up and across the bridge! (The picture above was taken upon my arrival)
I hung there for about a half an hour. In that time I met some really nice folks that were passing through on their bikes, we chatted had some laughs and we all went our separate ways. Alone again I thought. It's just me, my bike and my dirty thoughts. I got some riding to do. This leg of my birthday tour was about 14 miles. I'll be at 28 when I roll back into Franklin I'll have to find another 13 miles on the way back.
The ride back was good until the heat started to play into things. When I left on this adventure it was 71 degrees and 97% humidity. Shouldn't it be raining I thought? The sky was too tight I laughed to myself.
Now on the way back I realized that I must of had that slight wind to my face although I really didn't notice it much. A slight wind to your back is nice for speed but often you loose the cooling affect of the headwind as you match the speed of the wind.
Head winds on road bikes is just the way it is,,,it's been my experience that no matter what way you are riding, the wind is blowing in your direction.
Anyway,,,,, the ride back I found that there were a lot of what I call "dead spots"in the air. These are areas where there is no wind, just a pocket or bubble of heat or cold. Unfortunately for me these were bubbles of heat. Along with the humidity it was like being in a fucking oven! Sweat doesn't dry in these conditions, so the effect of sweat drying and cooling is no longer a factor, it was hell. after about a mile or 2 of this I got a head wind! Normally I curse at these breaths of air,,,but not this time it was welcomed, my head was pulsing with every pedal stroke. I was amazed at how strong I still was but the heat was taking it's toll on my brain. The mind game that is riding is about to change.
It was at about the 26 mile mark that my mind started to wander. Heading back the way I came, I found myself not so much thinking like a machine but like a human,,,a weak human with a lot of fucking baggage! None the less these negative thoughts will kill a riders drive faster than falling off their cleats! My mind wandered into missing my wife and kids, then dreading shit that was coming up, bills, Michigan trip, my turning 41 and starting over again with nothing but a fucking air mattress and some guitars. Then as that dread came over me I felt my heart hesitate. God dammit I thought, I cursed the very fibers that made up the muscles in my body. Bad Fucking Genes I thought aloud! My mind started playing head games with my body. I could feel my pulse in head stronger than ever. I even thought,, I could have a fucking stroke right now and probably die, that is if my heart doesn't blow up first. My heart was beating strong, then it would hesitate, that hesitation causes a filling up sensation in your chest, it almost makes me dizzy. It seems to happen when I get stressed. It's always been something that I watched back in my racing days. I felt anxious, kind of out of control of my situation. Then just like the predator mode kicked in when I saw a rider ahead of me, something else kicked in an almost a sense of "knowing", knowing that I would be all right if I just took control of the situation. I gathered my thoughts and focused again, my heart settled down, my legs back under me I push up the hill. I remember coming to a sort of "reckoning" of my situation. I thought well if today is my day,,,then it's a good day to die. I'm not being morbid or anything I just came to be, to be o.k. with my the results of my day regardless. I was out doing what I said I would do. How often have you said or heard others say "or I'll die trying". Well this day I fight and I was o.k. with dying if that was the way this story was to end. I always thought I would die surrounded by my wife and family or on my bike. Well,, wife is no longer and I have no family here,,,so the bike it is. ;)
I now had a new meaning and focus. I reeled in my thoughts and focused on how fresh my legs still were. I pushed hard, really hard. Blew back into Franklin made my rounds downtown and headed back out for the last 9 or 10 miles. I did some long hills on the 431 cut across the 65 and ran up the back side of Carothers st. then past my home on Liberty pk and back into the hill loops I just left. I was again on hwy 96 this time heading north(ish) long sweeping hills with pay out of downhill at the top. I was feeling a burn in my legs. This feeling I have not felt in years if ever. I was about to loose my legs, they felt like they were ready to burst when I stopped pedaling, they felt weak if I pushed em. It made no sense to me, my stomach felt fine, my heart and lungs were strong I didn't feel like I was going to "bonk". Yet my legs were going to be my undoing? As I rolled onto Coolsprings blvd it was a down hill, so I was able to push up to about 26 Mph. The hill gave way to a long, shitty, hot climb! Then it happened,,,my legs were done! I pushed, and there was nothing they gave up I was done! I rolled up onto the side walk and stopped at a shade tree and dismounted my bike. After all the shit I just went through, all the big climbs I'm now done here? You gotta be shittin me! I could hardly stand, sitting down was as painful standing I could not get comfortable. I only brought 1 pack of "GU" with me and I consumed that back about 5 miles ago. I had water and that was it. My hands were too weak to rub my hurting legs. All the blood was somewhere but not in my legs or so it seemed,,,my legs were whiter than normal at this moment. I lay thinking ready to give up. A voice in my mind said "quitter's mind", why do you have to be that guy? You think you know suffering? Yet here it is, right in your face and your throwing in the towel now? I thought back,,, I road 9.5 miles yesterday I could just add that to my goal and be there. Or I could go home rest and eat, then go out later for the last bit of this ride. It's only about 6 miles. My computer showed that I had riden 36 miles and some change. So tired my brain struggled with the math. "It's 5 miles you fuck! Get you ass on that bike and ride. If not for yourself, then do it for those who can't. How many sick people are out there who would give anything to be healthy enough to feel the pain you are feeling right now, instead of feeling the pain of their own illness. You have no reason to not ride, you've gone 36 miles, to quit now, would be bullshit. Finish something,,,finish this"!
I knew I had to finish this, or die trying. I asked myself was I still o.k. with that outcome. I was, this I was certain of. I gathered my thoughts and try to figure out how was I going to get this done. Ride smart I suppose. My goal was to finish this 41 miles. Now how am I going to accomplish this? Legs still hurting but not like they were I got back on my bike. This time it was personal. I got this far with strength and some coaching from within. However now at 36 miles my body/ legs were failing me. Now the mind game really begins. Push past the pain, pain is temporary, regret is forever. I did not come this far to turn back now. Instead of measuring success by miles and speed. It's now yards, each yard is one less yard to go, I was looking at cracks in the sidewalk as point goals, trees and the alike, all point goals. This fucking long hill will not stop me today. It has never stopped me before this moment and I will not give in today either. I found a missing formula to my riding,,, "spinning". All day I was in my big gear and just moving around within the 9 gears on the rear. I started this climb using my middle ring, speed wasn't the order of the day now, surviving was. I had not the legs to muscle my way up this hill in the big ring I needed to ride smart now. I had mentioned earlier that I would spin to get rid of lactic acid build up. Well duh! That's what I needed to be doing now, once I picked a lower gear ratio and was getting more spin and wasn't focused as much on how far each pedal stroke would carry my bike, the ride became better, smarter even. My legs through spinning and moderate exertion were coming back. Oh they hurt, but I was going make it, I knew it. I believed again, that was all I needed.
I finished out the ride feeling soar but rewarded beyond words. I have my demons I know this,,, however I left some of them behind in the heat and hills of Central Tennessee on Sunday.
Love and light...
Allen
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Esoteric foot cramps
Thought this title would make for an interesting "search". Esoterica, esoterical, eso-this and that.... New catch phrase for a struggling field. Paranormal has been beaten to death and regurgatated so much that renaming it might be just what the doctor ordered?
Where do I begin with this one? I've grown up with weird shit going on all around me and it was just normal until I was told by a friend "how fucked up that is". Shadow people and Sasquatch was just part of living in Northern Michigan. We knew where not to go at what time of day. It was really no different than a kid growing up in the city who was told by his parents to not even try to cross main street at 5:00 p.m. We were told not to be in the woods after dark and if those things show up in your room again tonight, use this flashlight and they will go away. Simple rules to live by, or so I thought. I will one day soon start from the beginning and try to explain to the best of my ability what is was like being me as a child to present day. This is just a peek and really,,, just me getting my feet wet in the Blog thing. Never thought I would do this, but I need a vent and I refuse to get back on facebook or myspace....more on that later! Sooooooo,,,,,,,,,,,anyway.
Enter the age of technology,,, the PODCAST! I've learned over the years that I'm not alone in this world. People outside of my family that I don't even know have been seeing the same shit that I have! "You're kidding me" I thought to myself. So, I like many submersed myself in this shit,,,, everything I could get on my iPod, I did. Mysterious universe was my first podcast about 5 years ago now. I then found The Paracast, EERIE Radio, Simply Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Paratopia. I found myself talking to others, sharing my stories and encounters with any forum that would listen. I probably over did it,,,, but due to my compulsive nature it's all or nothing. I've since then learned that this is a very sensitive field to say the least. You don't want to come across as somebody that claims to have answers ( which I don't ) nor do you want to be a know it all,,, that is better left up to those who "do" know it all.... ( that was a jab ). Everyone wants to be heard, everyone wants to be different or special. There are seats on the bus for those kids. Everyone once in awhile you find someone that has a story that is so eerily like your own it seems to good to be true. More on that later, I'm wandering here.
Through out the years it just seemed like everyone was just throwing shit left and right, the more people that listened the better. MORE, MORE, MORE..... what a hungry bunch we are in the field of paranormal. Then when the attention was achieved,,,, people started reeling back, now there are to many people at this party. It was becoming some what like a cult. Everyone seemed to have their favorites or that which the subscribed to. A "belief" if you will that fit into their little piece of the world. Did I mention Cult?
It was crazy,,,it was like a drama filled soap opera. From my angle my days started revolving keeping in touch with the field. I had my podcast lined up for the entire week. I had my days planned out mostly Wednesday nights to watch UFO hunters, Destination truth and ghost hunters. Fridays were great for playing the drinking game while watching ghost adventures. Everytime dip shit said "dude" you drank. Had a good buzz going generally by the half way point of the show.....
I know, I know, UFO hunters? Ghost hunters,,,,DT? Well.... it's like this I'm a big boy now, I know bullshit when I see it, I also know what I've seen. These shows are "entertainment" however there are grains of truth that can be seen and studied. It's kind of like keeping up what going on in a not so good friends life. You know? You watch it, you grumble and bitch about things that are incorrect and so on. That helped me realize what I knew and how I stood on certain things. God knows all the forums on the paranormal were picking this shit apart. Which for me is why I would watch it because I wanted to know what the hype was about. I don't have time to lock myself up in my house and read every book on the subject known to man. Again like I said earlier.... " I know what I've seen". Everything else to me is just "comparative". If it's disinformation then I want to witness it. I want to see if I can hold my own here, I've seen things on these show that seemed believable and then found out the rest of the story. I can admit when I'm wrong, it's a good thing. I work with 37 other people Monday through Friday. Some have the same interest, most watch these show with an innocent mind. So I watch these shows, research the forums sort the corn from the shit if you will and when the subject comes up, I can explain to them better what is really being said or not said. You see?
What happens now is you get on the forums and we all know that guy,,,the guy that has 20,000 post and has been a member for 3 years! Yep a real fuckin' expert here. This guy has the answers and is ( to their credit ) fucking book smart. These people have dates, times and events memorized. If someone doesn't bring up something in a post that he/she can elaborate on. This person will cleverly put something in that sets the stage up. The fish bite and this giant turd rolls up his/her sleeves and lets it all hang out...... douche bag! ; ) That may be a little harsh, I'm not taking away from this persons knowledge, I just question the intent. It's sometimes a rehearsed comment waiting for the right trigger.
Well now all this shit has come to a head now. Dave Biedney has left The Paracast. Can't say that I don't blame him. Dave was prickly sometimes, but god damn it the dude knew what he was talking about. Was he always right? Not my place to say. Did I agree with him? Absolutely not, at least not all the time. He told it like it was, for that I respect the man regardless of my own opinions. I feel like his own forums turned on him to a certain degree that however is my own opinion. I will say this much I still listen to The Paracast,,,but it's not the same. I love Gene but I can't help but think the ship is sinking. I hope not, I think The Paracast needs to be around and needs to stay relevant.
Jeff Ritzman,,,another casualty of this field. I use the term loosely here. He just had enough of the shit, and how it consumes your life. He and Dave were great friends and the shit storm between Paratopia and The Paracast caused them a friendship. I think Jeff extended an olive branch out on his departure speech from Paratopia. I hope all is well. I have had the pleasure to talk with Jeff and Jeremy on skype some time ago. Great guys, power house's of knowledge and like myself nothing short of a wealth of "strange shit" in their lives to talk about. A great friendship and bond never happened between us,,,I think there was respect though. I certainly have respect for them. I'm sure they both get their share of copy cats who are looking for a cyber buddy. I know I came out of the gates strong when I heard Jeff's stories. So many of the things I grew up with are identical to what Jeff has talked about. Hell he probably thinks I'm just making shit up. I wish I was. It's all in your presentation and approach I suppose.
Anyway,,, got a little off track. The bottom line is that this phenomenon is out of control, it has taken itself back I think. Maybe things were getting too close for comfort and the trickster if you will shook up the snow globe of anomosity and ran to the hills. I suspect things will have to settle down again and new shit is going to have to move into the light if this is ever to get its legs back. We've all talked about the same shit with just different words for long enough. It's all the same,,, you can lay some taffy, and sprinkles on a turd all you want,,,,it's still a fucking turd!
~A
Where do I begin with this one? I've grown up with weird shit going on all around me and it was just normal until I was told by a friend "how fucked up that is". Shadow people and Sasquatch was just part of living in Northern Michigan. We knew where not to go at what time of day. It was really no different than a kid growing up in the city who was told by his parents to not even try to cross main street at 5:00 p.m. We were told not to be in the woods after dark and if those things show up in your room again tonight, use this flashlight and they will go away. Simple rules to live by, or so I thought. I will one day soon start from the beginning and try to explain to the best of my ability what is was like being me as a child to present day. This is just a peek and really,,, just me getting my feet wet in the Blog thing. Never thought I would do this, but I need a vent and I refuse to get back on facebook or myspace....more on that later! Sooooooo,,,,,,,,,,,anyway.
Enter the age of technology,,, the PODCAST! I've learned over the years that I'm not alone in this world. People outside of my family that I don't even know have been seeing the same shit that I have! "You're kidding me" I thought to myself. So, I like many submersed myself in this shit,,,, everything I could get on my iPod, I did. Mysterious universe was my first podcast about 5 years ago now. I then found The Paracast, EERIE Radio, Simply Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Paratopia. I found myself talking to others, sharing my stories and encounters with any forum that would listen. I probably over did it,,,, but due to my compulsive nature it's all or nothing. I've since then learned that this is a very sensitive field to say the least. You don't want to come across as somebody that claims to have answers ( which I don't ) nor do you want to be a know it all,,, that is better left up to those who "do" know it all.... ( that was a jab ). Everyone wants to be heard, everyone wants to be different or special. There are seats on the bus for those kids. Everyone once in awhile you find someone that has a story that is so eerily like your own it seems to good to be true. More on that later, I'm wandering here.
Through out the years it just seemed like everyone was just throwing shit left and right, the more people that listened the better. MORE, MORE, MORE..... what a hungry bunch we are in the field of paranormal. Then when the attention was achieved,,,, people started reeling back, now there are to many people at this party. It was becoming some what like a cult. Everyone seemed to have their favorites or that which the subscribed to. A "belief" if you will that fit into their little piece of the world. Did I mention Cult?
It was crazy,,,it was like a drama filled soap opera. From my angle my days started revolving keeping in touch with the field. I had my podcast lined up for the entire week. I had my days planned out mostly Wednesday nights to watch UFO hunters, Destination truth and ghost hunters. Fridays were great for playing the drinking game while watching ghost adventures. Everytime dip shit said "dude" you drank. Had a good buzz going generally by the half way point of the show.....
I know, I know, UFO hunters? Ghost hunters,,,,DT? Well.... it's like this I'm a big boy now, I know bullshit when I see it, I also know what I've seen. These shows are "entertainment" however there are grains of truth that can be seen and studied. It's kind of like keeping up what going on in a not so good friends life. You know? You watch it, you grumble and bitch about things that are incorrect and so on. That helped me realize what I knew and how I stood on certain things. God knows all the forums on the paranormal were picking this shit apart. Which for me is why I would watch it because I wanted to know what the hype was about. I don't have time to lock myself up in my house and read every book on the subject known to man. Again like I said earlier.... " I know what I've seen". Everything else to me is just "comparative". If it's disinformation then I want to witness it. I want to see if I can hold my own here, I've seen things on these show that seemed believable and then found out the rest of the story. I can admit when I'm wrong, it's a good thing. I work with 37 other people Monday through Friday. Some have the same interest, most watch these show with an innocent mind. So I watch these shows, research the forums sort the corn from the shit if you will and when the subject comes up, I can explain to them better what is really being said or not said. You see?
What happens now is you get on the forums and we all know that guy,,,the guy that has 20,000 post and has been a member for 3 years! Yep a real fuckin' expert here. This guy has the answers and is ( to their credit ) fucking book smart. These people have dates, times and events memorized. If someone doesn't bring up something in a post that he/she can elaborate on. This person will cleverly put something in that sets the stage up. The fish bite and this giant turd rolls up his/her sleeves and lets it all hang out...... douche bag! ; ) That may be a little harsh, I'm not taking away from this persons knowledge, I just question the intent. It's sometimes a rehearsed comment waiting for the right trigger.
Well now all this shit has come to a head now. Dave Biedney has left The Paracast. Can't say that I don't blame him. Dave was prickly sometimes, but god damn it the dude knew what he was talking about. Was he always right? Not my place to say. Did I agree with him? Absolutely not, at least not all the time. He told it like it was, for that I respect the man regardless of my own opinions. I feel like his own forums turned on him to a certain degree that however is my own opinion. I will say this much I still listen to The Paracast,,,but it's not the same. I love Gene but I can't help but think the ship is sinking. I hope not, I think The Paracast needs to be around and needs to stay relevant.
Jeff Ritzman,,,another casualty of this field. I use the term loosely here. He just had enough of the shit, and how it consumes your life. He and Dave were great friends and the shit storm between Paratopia and The Paracast caused them a friendship. I think Jeff extended an olive branch out on his departure speech from Paratopia. I hope all is well. I have had the pleasure to talk with Jeff and Jeremy on skype some time ago. Great guys, power house's of knowledge and like myself nothing short of a wealth of "strange shit" in their lives to talk about. A great friendship and bond never happened between us,,,I think there was respect though. I certainly have respect for them. I'm sure they both get their share of copy cats who are looking for a cyber buddy. I know I came out of the gates strong when I heard Jeff's stories. So many of the things I grew up with are identical to what Jeff has talked about. Hell he probably thinks I'm just making shit up. I wish I was. It's all in your presentation and approach I suppose.
Anyway,,, got a little off track. The bottom line is that this phenomenon is out of control, it has taken itself back I think. Maybe things were getting too close for comfort and the trickster if you will shook up the snow globe of anomosity and ran to the hills. I suspect things will have to settle down again and new shit is going to have to move into the light if this is ever to get its legs back. We've all talked about the same shit with just different words for long enough. It's all the same,,, you can lay some taffy, and sprinkles on a turd all you want,,,,it's still a fucking turd!
~A
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